After pondering and ruminating about the universe for a considerable amount of time, and waking up on my living room floor for the third time this week, I have come to the conclusion that I really need to do something better with my life. Or, maybe my life needs to do something better with me. …
Whenever friends or family are leaving after visiting me, I always say to them, “drive careful.” I know it should be, drive carefully, but I like the casual informality the grammatical irregularity creates—be careful. Still, I wonder if as they are driving home, they ever think to themselves, “I could recklessly run that yellow light …
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about time travel. If I were to invent only one thing in my lifetime, I want that one thing to be a time traveling machine. Unfortunately, I already know I don’t invent one, because the first thing I would do with it would be to go back in time …
Babies are so stupid they poop in their pants. They don’t even try to make it to a toilet, they just sit there and poop themselves. Then they cry that they pooped themselves and expect an adult to clean them up. If you were to release 60,000 babies into a corn field, you could come …
Who, what, when, where, and why? Wine, whiskey, www, Wally, and whiskey. There’s one more. Wait. That’s it, wait! Wait for way more whiskey! I stand corrected. What are you looking at? Nose face! FYI, lesbians hate it when you smell their faces. You know, because of reasons. —DG.
Inside Doug's Head 