Have you ever woken up at 4:08am with an empty bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a beard full of jam and cream cheese in the other? Not actually two hands, but two perplexing things to deal with at the same time—like a fistful of peanut butter and a swarm of enraged bees circling …
Apparently, as the stories were paraphrased to me by an illiterate wino (maybe she said widow? I wasn’t actually listening), Jesus cured the leopards, made the lame nerds cool, and defeated the high school swim team by walking to the finish line, but he never once offered to heal anyone’s hemorrhoids. Why is that? Shoulder …
He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad. I was born lacking physical coordination and knowing that the world is F’d in the A. One of us got the better deal.
Inside Doug's Head 