Inside Doug's Head

One would be well advised to not take personal advice from random strangers on the internet, particularly in the areas of health, career, and relationships. Especially if the stranger has a book for sale on their website, or has ever done a TED Talk. The advice will always be, cancer, quit your job, abandon your spouse of 33 years, respectively.

Those who would give this advice, hold themselves up to be experts in their fields of study. Now, sometimes, in real life, experts with education and experience know what they are talking about; however, it is not the case with self-proclaimed internet experts. They are all idiots. Posers and idiots. Or, as Cher called them, gypsies, tramps, and thieves.

For example, there is a channel, though I am loathed to call the buffoonery streams on YouTube ‘channels’ when there is no knob on the TV to turn, there is a particular channel that purports to teach people how to be more charismatic. It does so by reviewing scenes of Don Draper in AMC’s Mad Men. Yes, that’s right, you can become more charismatic by watching the actions of a fictional character, in fictional situations, interacting with his fictional coworkers.

“See how Don Draper turns his back to everyone in the boardroom, and then insults the junior member by questioning his moral integrity? That makes him look strong! That’s how you command respect. How did Don Draper know that his behavior would get the results that he wanted from the board? Because he had confidence!”

No, Don Draper knew what the outcome would be because Jon Hamm, portraying Don Draper, read the script and said the words on paper out loud. It was all written down for him a priori. He probably needed several takes to get it right, because the whole situation is contrived and fictional.

Also no, his behavior makes him look like a sociopathic bully, which should never be confused with charisma. Stop telling people to act like Alpha Males! The concept of Alpha and Beta in the animal kingdom does not exist! The terms came from a flawed, academically fraudulent, research paper on the behaviors of wolves in the wild. Later researchers disproved the idea and completely discredited the paper’s author. These alpha-beta (it’s where we get the word alphabet) constructs have, unfortunately, found purchase on the rock filled heads of YouTubers peddling quick fixes for complex social dynamics.

To note: an Alpha Male is a loud mouthed, self unaware, narcissistic, moronic douchebag that regular people can barely tolerate being in the same room, let alone conversing, with. They think they are important because of their possessions, things that they believe give them great power, but in reality, they are emotionally crippled with copious self-doubts and insecurities. Their demeanor and attitude are compensation for what they lack on the inside. They believe they are the smart ones and that everyone wants to receive their arrogant wisdom. Yes, I would also like to suffer an ague, malaria or yellow fever. Nobody enjoys being in the presence of an alpha, so stop trying to act like one.

A Beta Male is someone who thinks being an alpha male is a good thing. They aspire—nay, yearn—to be one, and hope, until that time when they degenerate to the requisite point of personal despicableness, they can confuse people into believing they are alpha with outbursts of rage and anger at everyone around them. Just look at the respect I command! Get outta my way! These are the same people who like to point out misspellings and incorrect homophone usages in the comment sections because they think they are adding to the conversation. They is dummmmmmb. Oh, you found a typo on the internet! How precious!

Then, there are the rest of us, in unlabeled groups of one, who have to put up with listening to these dummies loud-talking everywhere they go, signaling virtue, espousing wisdom, dribbling non-stop verbal diarrhea. In the mall, at a coffee place, the grocery store, on a bus or a train, even in the park. They usually walk like ducks, with their feet rotated outwards. Or, clowns with floppy feet, but they don’t know they are clowns. Like in that movie, The Sixth Sense, except with clowns instead of dead people.

Oh, I should also mention, I too am an unqualified random stranger on the internet, so don’t take my advice. Isn’t that ironic? No. It’s not. It’s predictable and often to be expected.

—DG