Frequently, I never get asked, “How do you come up with ideas on things to complain about?” Where do I get my inspiration? It all starts when I see a video or read a word that makes me feel an emotion, and I brood, then complain; I fester and fume.
Good writers stay away from their wives. They are distracting and don’t contribute to the self-destructive narrative. I’m not sure how that philosophy fits in, but you can ask my wife why I am such a cranky bastard.
Now, I am riled up about nothing, so I drink a bottle of whiskey. A whole bottle. Not a handle, just a fifth. Suddenly, I have ideas for solutions to problems I only now realized were a barrier to human progress, and I write them down, one fat thumb at a time. I have to close one eye, usually my left eye, to avoid seeing doubles.
Autocorrect gets in the way; changing a why to an eye and adding E-D. Speelchick sucks.
WordPress won’t let me publish unreviewed opinions on blah-blah-blah if I have been writing while under the influence. WUI. It’s not a feature, but it should be. Note to developers.
When I can pass for sober, I reread and edit what I wrote. I remove the expletives, the vulgarities, and most of the derogatory references to Democrats. Most, not all. I hate them so much. Updated and saved.
Oh, no. It happened again. I published a thing without intending to. There is no undo: there is only do or do not. Guh-ah-ahhm (drool). Donuts. Then, I move forward through life and face the consequences. It never ends well. I usually die at the beginning. From explosive diarrhea.
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 