To turn left.
If you’re a man with a history of failure, you have the right to identify as a woman, moving to a place where the bar for athleticism has been lowered for obvious reasons of biology. You have that right… apparently. Should you choose to accept it?
If you are a failure as a man, you can pretend to be a woman, and now you are guaranteed to be successful. You know that women suck (except when you want them to), and you have the right, apparently, to mockingly imitate a better version of a woman. Or, a camel. Camels also suck, even when you don’t want them to.
Although I personally recommend identifying as an attack helicopter, or even better, Brad Pitt, you can now choose to be a member of the ’weaker sex’ where very little of success is expected of you, apparently.
Put on a skirt and tuck it all in; the shirt tails and the testicles. It’s a fold between the legs and a tight clench of the buttocks. You ARE a winner now! Apologies, I mean, wiener now!
Well done you! Look at how presentable you are! The beard kind of gives it away, though. You might want to shave that, and wax the legs, too. Tip your pelvis forward, like you are desperately holding in a dump.
You should also remove the dildo from your anus. It’s an obvious clue and it’s distracting from the point you are trying to make. Which is? Sexual deviant losers finish last?
Loopholes exist for a reason and you should never not denigrate yourself in the process of finding them. Especially if you want to win.
You once ranked 412th in your class, and now you’re a gold medal winner. Rules are for suckers. We used to call losers at life like you ‘pussies’ but you wouldn’t know what one of those is. These days, for some reason, you have the right to compete as a man in women’s sports. Sponsored by Playtex.
Thankfully, at least for right now, in Canada you also have the uncontested Liberal right to an assisted suicide because you are suffering from a deeply catastrophic mental disorder that seems incurable. You should avail yourself of that right immediately, lest it be taken away from you in the future by fascist voters with an absurd sense of morality.
Choose wisely. Gold at the Women’s Olympics in drag, or the socially preferred choice?
Remember, breathe deeply; let the gas do its work. Just relax and go into the light. Breathe. In… out… in… out… Like a duck mating.
FYI, we all know that you are just plain awful. Do the right thing for the rest of us.
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 