Recently, as in yesterday, I was asked by my insurance provider’s health and wellness program to comment on what would be likely obstacles to my weight loss goals. My response was probably not what they were expecting.
“Well… I enjoy cooking and eating food. Good food; not that commercial garbage most people rapaciously consume.
“If there were ninjas with deadly throwing cards threatening to kill me and my loved ones if I lost weight, that could be an issue.
“Rabid tigers with mange? Multiple tigers, even of the non rabid variety, would be a tough challenge for me to face. Should I expect tigers?
“Generally, I am pretty lazy, like an opportunistic lion living on the plains of the Serengeti, sunbathing on a rock, casually waiting for an errant gazelle or antelope to happen by. Although, I have never seen a fat lion, so there’s that.
“But, yeah, I think it will definitely be tigers with sponsorship agreements for big cereal corporations that will create the greatest impediment to my weight loss success. Tony did a lot of mental damage to me when I was a little kid. It was GREAT! I mean, awful. It was truly horrifying and awful.”
Perhaps I was being a little bit too verbose and dramatic in my response. They were more likely expecting, a lack of motivation and follow through, coupled with type II diabetes and my lack of feet.
You get what you pay for. Caveat emperor penguins, bitches!
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 