Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.


Samsung makes the most troubled remotes.

It requires five remote controls to run one teevee. The one on the right, trying to slide off, is a huge raging bastard. I hate it so much. It’s ergonomically curved, designed by an idiot pixie working for Samsung, like you’re supposed to hang on to it all the time so it needs to be comfortable. If you set it down, it tries to run the hell away, or roll over and die, bumping every button as it goes.

Here it is trying to sneak out the front door when it thinks nobody is watching. Stupid Samsung and their AI models harvested from Alcatraz prisoners.

It tried to escape out the back. It almost made it to freedom this time, but fortunately it was recaptured and spent 17 days in solitary confinement under a pillow. It has been placed on permanent suicide watch for numerous attempts at self harm.

Recently, it raped the sound bar remote while Jude the Apostle passively watched on, as is his way. A nickel was left behind as a token of intimidation, or a donation to the saints. The sound bar remote went into hiding for several days after the incident and could not be found until an exhaustive search was conducted.

Usually, the cowardly FPOS thing rolls into the cushions of the chair and tries to hide, avoiding detection when it is needed.

It burrows in deep to avoid location. I hate it so much. One of these days it is going to be launched into the television screen. At high speed. One of us will have been drinking.


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