Inside Doug's Head

The government warning label on the back of a bottle of whiskey is problematic. (1) Pregnant women should not drink alcoholic beverages because of the risk of birth defects, but whiskey was there when they got pregnant. Plus, I am not a woman, nor will I ever be a woman, so the warning is irrelevant to me. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems. Drive a car OR operate machinery, but not AND, as in both at the same time. So, I’m perfectly fine driving my car, and concurrently operating this electric arc furnace full of molten iron, while I’m drinking to ignore my generic health problems.

Risking the birth of a two headed baby, or losing your job at the local foundry, notwithstanding, I don’t believe these are the greater risks that the consumption of whiskey poses. Health problems are long-term issues that are easily ignored, since it is in our nature to recklessly mortgage our future for the hedonism of the present. There are many longer-term problems that we can easily create for ourselves in the short-term, without a whole lot of effort, and whiskey is a great facilitator of heartache and broken dreams. The warning label should thus read:

GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to everyone, consumption of alcohol may cause grandiose thoughts and maudlin feelings, especially for exes and current bosses. Whiskey may intensify these feelings, ire and rancor in particular, and make everything that is bad seem like a good idea. Warped perceptions will cause crazy activities to appear perfectly normal. Avoid arguing with police, posting your opinions to social media, texting friends and family, and writing long protracted emails to coworkers while under the influence. Avoid signing up for long-term commitments, such as magazine subscriptions, marriage, and parenthood. Avoid operating a forklift, unless necessary and you see one that is unguarded. Drugs may intensify these effects. Yay, drugs!

If you say, “Hey, Siri! I’ve been drinking tonight, so don’t let me text or email anyone until tomorrow afternoon”, Siri will respond with, “Sending to all contacts, Screw you!” It’s a little known feature that is really counterintuitive.

—DG