Inside Doug's Head

Recently, I watched a documentary [Nature: Animal Misfits] about pandas on Netflix. The documentary about pandas was on Netflix, the pandas were not on Netflix making a documentary. No, it was a documentary by humans about pandas, and I watched it on Netflix. I hope that is unambiguous enough.

From this documentary I learned the following panda related facts^*:

• Although they are bears, and bears are ferocious carnivores, pandas are the only known non meat eating carnivores. They eat only fresh bamboo stalks and leaves.
• A typical panda eats forty pounds of bamboo per day, which it converts directly to poop. They poop forty times a day. People who eat a lot of bran have to meticulously plan their outdoor activities so that they are never too far from a bathroom. It must be the same for pandas.
• Due to the lack of calories and nutrition in their diet, pandas spend their entire day eating and pooping, or moving to their next supply of food. They have no free time for reading teen novels about vampires or producing documentaries.
• Bamboo contains very little energy, so pandas do not hibernate in the winter like sensible bears do, because they are unable to store enough fat to go even one day without eating. They have to continue eating frozen solid bamboo stalks throughout the harsh winter on snow covered mountains. Smart bears go inside when it gets cold, but not pandas. Pandas are not smart.
• Pandas are only capable of mating for a few days each year, and they are completely disinterested in sex, most likely due to the lack of saturated fats in their diet keeping them from producing the hormones required for sexiness. #SexyPanda
• Although hoards of scientists are working hard to figure out how to increase the reproduction rate of pandas, should they prove successful, there is not enough of their singular food source to support a larger number of pandas (not scientists) in the wild.

How pandas became vegetarian is still a mystery, but I imagine they adopted the lifestyle in a manner similar to humans. A typical vegetarian conversation:

[V. One]: “I am so ethical and smug that I won’t eat anything that can smile.”

[V. Two]: “Well, I am so ethical and pretentious that I won’t eat anything that has a face.”

[V. Three]: “Oh yeah, I am so ethical, pretentious, and smug that I won’t eat anything that can cast a shadow.”

[V. One & Two]: “OK, you win. You are the greatest person of all time.”

Then, they all started trying to shame each other into becoming more extremely vegetarian until they ended up in their current situation. Since they are lacking the fatty foods necessary for good brain development, they are unable to figure out how to correct the problem, so they mindlessly continue with the same low nutrition diet mistakenly thinking they are better than everyone else. I imagine it went the same way with pandas, too.

What I have concluded from all this information on pandas is that we should stop trying so hard to save the pandas, and we should start eating them immediately. Pandas are stupid, and we would be doing them a favor by eating them. Think about it. All natural, bamboo fed; they would be delicious. Panda burgers… Panda steaks… Roasted panda with rosemary and baked potatoes… We already have lots of them in captivity, and they are really weak due to their limited diet, so they would not put up much of a fight.

Yeah. Let’s eat the Pandas.

* Facts are things that people claim are true but offer no proof or evidence as to their veracity.