Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

If you are inclined to think that being human is pretty cool, and that humanity has a chance for something positive, you should check out Yahoo! Answers. There, you will find all of the evidence you need to convince yourself that the vast majority of people are no better than some sort of slimy goo that you would scrape off your shoes. The goo is orange in color, I would imagine, in case that is important to know. Possibly with flecks of brown, but definitely orange.

The evolutionary pressures that homo sapiens endured to get us to where we are today were seriously intense, and we did pretty good establishing the biological features that make us nature’s foremost super predators. Sure, a lion or a tiger could eat one or two of us if we wandered away from the tour group, but when we show up with twenty friends and a collection of guns, well, we will be eating lion or tiger for dinner. Some of our human-only anatomical features include our locking knee that allows us to stand upright without over exerting ourselves, our well proportioned phalanges that make up our dexterous fingers, and our opposable thumbs that allow us to hold tools and weapons, like guns and pencils. Incorporating nutrient and energy dense meat in our diet freed us from a life of perpetual grazing, and gave us the spare time and big brains we needed to create art, literature, math, and science. Yes, eating meat enabled us to invent all of the things necessary for developing culture and building civilizations. We are capable of shaping and changing the world like no other species. If something is in our way, we can either kill it, or blow it up. Unlike stupid pandas, our proclivity for procreation has resulted in so many of us that we are not in any immediate danger of extinction. We could, in theory, start using babies as raw materials in our manufacturing processes, and there would still be enough of us to mess up the place. I mean, we shouldn’t, but we could if we wanted to. If we can’t kill it or blow it up, we can always try mating with it. Being human is amazing.

One look at the types of people you find on Yahoo! Answers (YA) will make all that appreciation of things human instantly go away. At least, it does for me. Knowing that icky and horrible people exist makes me despair for the fate of humanity. Thanks, internet; now I am despairing over the existence of people I have never met.

The first tip-off that something is amiss on YA is that there are a lot of people from the UK commenting on how great it would be if Donald Trump were elected president. Once you get past that, you will discover all of the 13 year old dummies out there having unprotected sex and asking the internet for opinions on whether or not they could be pregnant or have contracted a disease. The thought of so many idiots reproducing and recklessly spreading about their corrupted DNA is really, really scary to me. The questions are barely literate, filled with spelling and grammatical mistakes, and the answers are often from the dumbest of the dumb who think they are smarter than the smartest. Smrt.

Are you having a serious medical issue? Why ask a physician about it when you could ask the uninformed users of YA? Do you have racist and misogynistic opinions you would like to share with everyone? Put your half baked ideas in the form of a question and post them on YA for the world to see. Are you considering killing yourself but are not sure if you should leave a note? Ask anonymous strangers for guidance and emotional support, because if the internet is anything, it is definitely supportive. Not sure about how much brandy you can drink while taking Abilify? The experts on YA will help you out. Too stupid and lazy to do your eighth grade Math or Science homework? Type out that question in your best leet speak (sorry, I mean 1337 $p34|{ ) and hope for a sensible answer from a rational grown up. Oh, wait there seems to be no such thing.

Why am I telling you about Yahoo! Answers? It began innocently enough. I had searched for something not porn related and the results led me straight to YA, where I found a technical question that had been given several very incorrect answers. Well, I couldn’t help myself, so I quite smugly submitted the correct answer and felt instantly satisfied. Then it began. Soon, I found myself wading waste deep through the quagmire (giggity) of human filth that is Yahoo! So… many… dumb… questions, can’t stop the… sarcasm.

Is it just me or do anybody else use yahoo answers as a toy?

Best Answer: Well, some people ask such stupid questions that it is hard to not to use them as an opportunity to make fun of a total stranger. For example, “How could the Olympics have started 3000 years ago when we are only in the 2000s now?” Because there is no year 0, and if you subtract the nine and carry the four it will all work out. Or, “I have a brown spot on my right elbow. What could it be?” Cancer, obviously. Then there are the ones that are so completely vague, “How long will it take me to get to Washington?” Well, where are you now? How are you traveling, and which Washington? So, of course, the answer is three weeks, and you will probably get cancer on the way. I always add something about cancer, just to make the answer seem more serious.

Once in a while I might try to give a reasonable answer to a reasonable question, but most of the time I find it more entertaining to give nonsensical answers to ridiculous questions. Why is the answer edit textbox so small? Would it kill them to make it larger? Because, reasons and cancer.

It is very difficult, but I try to avoid responding to the suicidal types of questions, because the temptation to egg them on would be too great, and I would rather not get swept up in the misery. Not that I am a terrible person (I am a terrible person, but that isn’t the reason), but I think it is time we start thinning the herd a little, and finding dumb people who are willing to off themselves is like getting a gift from the universe. It is hard to look away.

Anywho, I have compiled a showcase of some of the worst questions, along with my sarcastic answers, for your amusement. Yes, I know; I am a terrible person.

Liberals, if Science isn’t a conspiracy, then how come it disagrees w/ my common sense 9 out of 10 times a day?

I don’t see no floods!

Because you are stupid, and your common sense must be completely wrong and uncommon. Look in a mirror. Do you have multiple stab wounds around your mouth from when you try to eat with a fork?

What changes should I make to a tattoo design to make it for me?

I found a stingray tattoo online that I absolutely love. I WILL NOT ask for the same tattoo because that seems wrong and I know artists hate that. I want a similar sting ray design. I want the same color and for the fins to be up, other than that im open to changes any ideas?

Put Steve Irwin in it. You know, because of how he died.

We’re always bored!?

Me and my best friend are always bored! We have nothing to do and it’s storming. We are NOT going to play in the rain, play PS3, play on our phones, draw, or play card or board games. DO NOT SAY BE CREATIVE!!!!

Kiss each other and see where it goes.

What does this say? Old cursive signature.?

First word on top says Anytime and i believe in the middle it says Robert. Please help me to find out what this says. Greatly appreciated. Thanks

[There was no photo or image of the object in question, so what it said was indeterminable.]

It says, “Anytime a beaver bites Robert, the beaver dies.” Very strange, right? Must be some sort of a cultural reference that we no longer have context for.

What’s a good name for a dragon?

I’m currently writing a fantasy novel and I can’t think of a name for my dragon in it. The dragon is mainly white with a bit blueish-purple in it

Update: I should also mention that the dragon is male

Foghorn. Foghorn the Dragon. Or, Clem. Clem the Dragon. Razzmatazz, would not be so good. Try, Mr. Bojangles the Dragon who wears yellow underpants.

Is my sentence grammatically correct?

What inspired me to send you a friend request was your incredible spirit and your zest for life.

Or, you could do it in a Yoda voice: Spirit and zest for life, inspired yours did for me to send friend request. I think Yoda was brain damaged at birth.

Where can I watch more Great British Baking Show?!?

Update: My family and I watched the entire season on Netflix (the one with Martha, Kate, Nancy, Richard, etc, I don’t know which series it is). But as we live in America, the next season hasn’t aired yet. I have the Hola app on the Chrome store which lets me change my IP address so that I look British, but does anyone know how I can watch more full episodes in the next season of our new favorite show?

You can’t. British food is just awful, so there is no such thing as a great British cooking show. Have you actually eaten any of their food? It is truly terrible. I do not know how they built a vast empire on bellies filled with such bad food. Boiled sausages and mashed potatoes? How do they make it taste so bland and bad? Do not get me started on German food.

Your question is akin to asking, “Where can I find a great Arsenio Hall show?” Or, “Where are the great Adam Sandler movies?” Great British cooking shows; way too funny.

How many statue of libertys are there?

Four: One is on loan to the Chinese so they can make plastic replicas, one is still in France at the Louvre, but she is holding a tennis racket instead of a torch, one was sunk by German U-boats while on transit to Atlanta during WWII, and the last one is on display on Liberty Island in New York.

Would it be weird if i took my laptop into a bar to study or work on a book im writing?

Not weird, but pretty douchey. Normal people do not enjoy looking at tables occupied by douchebags who think they are writing a great novel, “Oooh. Look at me, I have a ‘pewter and you can watch me work. See how smart I are?” No, leave your ‘pewter at home, unless you want strangers to fling their boogers at you. Seriously pretentious. Do you want people to hate you the instant that they meet you, or are you just looking for an excuse to hang around a public space and not look too creepy? Besides, you may want to work on your punctuation and grammar in private before taking on that book of yours.

I out my editing with more than two ticks will they still mark it in o level ? And also what will happen if I wrote wrong format for essay.?

Judging by how poorly you wrote your question, your incorrect essay format will be the least of the problems.

Is it hard to get a job at Whole Foods?

No, just show up for the interview in your best hippy outfit, unwashed and unkempt. You will fit right in.

Should I probe meat eaters?

You mean, with your fingers? No! Absolutely not. Or, maybe. 

What is this small bump?HeadBump

My boy sent me a picture of a bump on the back of his head and we don’t know what it is. Can someone tell us if it’s dangerous and/or curable.


I have little red spots going around the lower part of my stomach and going a round like a belt they don t hurt or itch what could this be?

Could be cancer. Or, paint. I often confuse the two.

Weird stuff in my belly button?

the other day I noticed something white in my belly button so I cleaned it out and white/yellow paste stuff came out and doesn’t have a particularly pleasant smell?? why&what is it?

You should probably try harder to make yourself a little less gross everyday. 

Is it possible that if I am very worried about getting sick then I will think I am sick when I am not?

For example I think I have an ear infection because I had the slightest ear ache for about 15 minutes.

What you want to do is get a meat thermometer and stick the pointy end in your ear. When it won’t go in any further, give it a few whacks with a ball peen hammer. That should make the pain go away.


I’m writing a novel and my chapters have about 2500 words each. I don’t want to make them too long or too short but one of my chapters only have 2200 words. How do I expand it so it’s between 2500 to 2700 words long?

Add more words.

How do female nipples smell?

Most women smell with their nose. I have never met one that smells with her nipples.

Fantasy novel: i need a last name for some characters?

my first character is Ellina, he is very kind and outgoing. and in all she’s a very strong female character. oh and she has wind magic.
Naithan is a werewolf. his personality is sort of like the strong and silent type.
i don’t want the typical boring last names like Smith or Johnson. these manes need to sound exotic and pretty much magical. this is a fantasy book after all.

Update: sorry for all the typos… i was in a hurry.

Nutscratcher. As in, Harry Nutscratcher.

What is a good book to read?

The dictionary. Although, I think the zebra did it.

Why is it that women get to have their cake and eat it too when it comes to pregnancy?

A woman can kill the baby without say from the man and a woman can force a man to pay for a child he doesn’t want. Why is that?

I know, and they can vote, work, and own property, too. What is happening to this world?

Ache in forearm when I move middle finger?

I was carrying heavy shopping yesterday and today I woke up with an aching forearm, especially when I move my middle finger. When I make a fist, it aches more also. When I move my hand backwards and forwards it also aches. What is it?
Thanks 😀

Why would anyone with any sort of medical problem ask what to do about it as a question on Answers? The majority of the people who are going to respond are complete idiots, and are unlikely to have any medical expertise at all. Does this mole look like cancer? Go see a doctor, dumb ass. Or, you can ignore it and hope that it goes away. Don’t drink a gallon of raccoon urine, though, because that probably won’t help.

Evidently, I have too much time on my hands, but I will leave you pondering about a suitable answer to the following question (filed under pregnancy and parenting):

My bumhole keeps leaking brown stuff?

You’re welcome. Enjoy.


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