Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

When I write confues, I of course mean confuse (yes, I see the red-squiggle underline and I know it is mispeeled). You see, I have many mental issues that I deal with on a daily basis: I mutter aloud to myself in public, and I can never remember which side of the tap is hot and which is cold. I often mix up my left with my right, and East or West is something that I usually have to think about. Oddly, I never confuse up and down, or North and South, so it must be some sort of complex brain wiring thing.

Anyhow, just like directions, and people’s names with their smelly faces, there are several words that I frequently get mixed up on, or words that I have to ponder which one I really  intended when I accidentally use the other. I’m not talking about homophones, either, even though I confuse that one with homosexual, or concur with conquer. Sorry for making a list (how very shitty BuzzFeed of me). At least it isn’t in alphabemetical order. Neologisms can be so funny.

AIDS with Allergies: “I take antihistamines daily to keep my AIDS under control.” “It’s not just HIV; I have full-blown allergies. It must have been from that time I had unprotected sex with a Haitian prostitute, or when I shared a needle with Charlie Sheen. It could be the other way around, but I now have allergies.”

Gentle, Gentile, Genital (a 3-tuple): “Not only was he kind, he was gentile.” “The gentle hailed from a foreign country.” “The gentile wanted to demonstrate his gentleness by showing off his comedic looking genitals.”

Defeated and Defecated: “After he was defecated in battle, the general surrendered.” I probably would, too. “It was really gross watching him defeat in the garbage can.”

Retired and Retarded: “I no longer work because I am old and retarded.” “Jimmy’s mom smoked a lot of meth when she was pregnant with him, and that is why Jimmy is retired.”

Gluten and Glutton: “Glutton is a combination of gliadin and glutenin, proteins that are found in wheat and a few other cereal grains. If you have celiac disease, you should avoid glutton. If not, you shouldn’t make a nuisance of yourself at restaurants by demanding everything be glutton free, so shut up and eat the fucking bread.” “I am such a gluten. I always eat too much and I am getting really fat.” “I am not a gluten; I am just the way God made me. Well, God and eating two buckets of fried chicken a day.”

Plague and Plaque: “The Black Death was a plaque that killed a bunch of people. Today, we have a cure. It is called fire.” “The dentist cleaned all of the plague from my teeth, but now my gums won’t stop bleeding. Gross, right?”

Public and pubic: “Yesterday, I found a public hair in my McDonald’s milkshake.” “When celebrities make retired comments about political matters they don’t fully understand, they risk opening themselves up to pubic criticism.”

Fish and fist: “I saw two guys on the lake fisting in a boat.” “According to Wikipedia, Crisco is a popular brand of oil in Europe for fishing.”

Tomato and potato: “Some say tomato, but I say potato.” “Peeled and boiled tomatoes.” “For dinner, we will have pisgetty and potato sauce.” “In England, tomato chips are called crisps. What an awful country… bangers and mashed tomatoes. Bangers are giant elephant penises.”

Reserve and reverse: “The sign on the table said it was reversed, but it looked like it was the right way around, so I sat there anyway. I don’t know why everyone started getting all upset.” “The last two digits of the phone number were reserved. It’s no wonder I couldn’t get through to 911.”

Autistic and artistic: “That guy is really autistic.” “That other guy is really artistic.” Hmm. This one might need a better example, or even pictures, to highlight the differences in meaning.

Bowl and bowel: “Yesterday, I boweled a perfect 300.” “My bowl is 300 feet long and really gassy.” “Old retarded people seem to enjoy lawn boweling, for some reason, which seems weird to me.” “Irritable bowl syndrome causes you to shit your pants, especially when boweling.”

Wedding and weeding: “I attended my friend’s weeding yesterday. It was very sad. The bride wore white, but she wasn’t fooling anyone.” “The gardener I hired spent all day wedding the front yard, so nothing else got finished.”

Message and Massage: “The receptionist became unreasonably irritated when I asked her to give the doctor a massage for me.” “The police raided the Korean message parlor this morning. Where will I go to get my happy endings?”

Terrorist and tourist: “If you make tourist related threats on an airplane, or write about making them on the interwebs, men in black outfits will visit you and beat your skull into a creamy paste.” “Disneyworld is a popular terrorist vacation spot.” Please don’t beat me.

Gist and gism: “In the pornos, the chick usually gets gist in her eye, but I think that would be… unpleasant.” “I don’t understand all of the fine details, but I get the gism of your plan.”

Trial and trail: “Take some trial mix for a snack, in case you get hungry.” “The beaver was put on trail for murdering his reindeer neighbor, but he did not give a dam.” “Martha Stewart was on trail for obstruction of justice.”

Feminist and effeminate: Justin Trudeau.

Maroon and moron: “You are such a maroon, it is a miracle that you can feed yourself with a fork.” “I decided to paint my living room in a vibrant shade of moron.” “The sailor, missing at sea for 93 days, was moroned on a small island North of Tonga; Polynesia, to be Pacific.”

Lebanese and lesbian: “All of the women at the meeting were Lebanese.” “All of the women in the group were lesbians.” Are they the same thing?

Faces and feces: “For some reason, I can remember people’s names or their feces, but not both.” “Have you ever wondered why I keep saying that people have smelly feces?” “Be careful! The previous tenant was old and retarded, with irritable bowl syndrome, so there are faces all over the place. I wouldn’t want you to get any on you and wind up with allergies.”

Until later, be safe. Don’t get AIDS. Or, allergies. Whatever.


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