Inside Doug's Head

For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.

Someone recently either moved into one of the apartments near me, bringing with them a dog that they already owned, or they acquired a new dog and moved it into the apartment they were previously living in. Regardless of how it came to be, a new dog lives next door.

This new dog I know of because every morning, starting at between 6:30 and 7am, it begins a daily routine of endless barking. The owners, probably when they leave for the day, park their dog outside, where out of loneliness or fear of spiders, it feels compelled to vocalize its displeasure at being left alone in the out of doors, “Bark, bark… grrr. Bark. Bark, bark, bark, (whining noise).” It goes as such for the entire day, until, I am assuming, the owners return, and it can finally stop its woeful lamentations.

Each day, by around noon, my brain starts thinking, what if I went over there and released the dog from its fetters, allowing it to run free. What would its owners think when they came home and found their dog gone? [Finding something gone is kind of like waking up dead. In a practical sense, it never really happens that way.]

Now, it is unlikely that the dog is kept behind bars with its paws in handcuffs like some sort of bandit criminal, wearing an orange jumpsuit bearing the number K-9, because that mental image is adorable. No, it is probably secured with some sort of rope, or a leather leash, something that a knife could easily cut through. But, what if it is chained? Then, I might have to cut off one of its paws in order to release it, like a beaver in beaver trap, or a rabbit in a rabbit trap, or a sasquatch in a sasquatch trap. It would have to sacrifice a foot for its freedom, but I am sure that it would consider it to be a fair and worthy trade.

However, I am realizing that it is unlikely someone would tie their dog up by one of its legs. No, it is more probable that it is secured to an immovable object, like a big rock or a part of the building, by a collar around its neck. Once again, if it is tied by an easily cut rope or leash, cutting it would be easy, but what if it is chained? It would then be necessary to first remove the animal’s head in order to set it free.

Just in case, I should bring along some glue so that I will be able to reattach the head after freeing the dog from its bondage. Otherwise, its body may run off, leaving the head behind. Depositing their dog’s head on your neighbor’s doorstep is a rather aggressive thing to do. They may not realize that the intention was merely to set the dog free, and the situation, as it will come to be called, may end up on the local news. While it is possible that an animal might be able to, with a large amount of internal fortitude, chew through an entrapped limb, it is unlikely that anyone would assume the dog chewed through its own neck in a bid for freedom. Glue is definitely a must-have if I want to avoid any embarrassing confusion over my intentions. Also, I can use the glue to affix the wings from a pigeon to the dog so that it can fly away once it is free.

Obtaining pigeon wings, and obviously the limbs from a squirrel, will involve a complex series of maneuvers that I will not elaborate on further, but there will definitely be some butchering required. Once the wings and squirrel bits are attached, the dog will need some help to get going of course, so I will have to launch it from a high place on the building, and watch it glide safely to freedom and nuts.

It all seems like too much effort, though. Maybe I should just leave the dog alone.


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