Inside Doug's Head

I found these notes on my phone, and I want to delete them, so I figured I would post them all here for safe keeping. I only get a few readers, so this is a reasonably private place for personal notes and bank account passwords.

Nothing drunk with being wrong.

California:

It all starts here and spreads. With a picture of a toilet at the bottom.

We all like the reality we enjoy.

That moment when you realize you are married to a weirdo.

Short molecules are best: C2H5-OH. I don’t know, whatever ethanol looks like.

When in Rome, eat spaghetti and say, What? a lot.

Maine is America’s waterless toilet. Yay! Environmental tax credits!

These are tears of joy! The joy of fantasizing about your inevitable death!

The music tonight is brought to you by a group of skinny white British heroin addicts confusing decibels for talent.

Canada’s NAT type is set to extreme left-wing—their router needs to be reset, again.

Have you ever sat in an auditorium full of people and wondered, after an hour, how much of the air is farts? And then, you start mentally doing the arithmetic: average volume of fart times the number of farts per hour times the number of people in the room. What’s the average volume of a fart? Can I look that up on Wikipedia? Thank God nobody is tracking my search history.

Profounce:

To Announce, but in a profound way. “Computers suck! Oh, my god, computers and computer people suck donkey dicks!”

Her name was Ferris, like the wheel.

I once told an oil joke that was a bit crude.

New money making business venture: import vacuum from outer space. Package it in coffee containers.

Money is like fertilizer that you sprinkle on kids to make them grow.

You are wasting time I would have otherwise spent at the office.

I know evolution will fix it, but it will take longer than I am prepared to wait.

I may not be the fastest climber, but, thanks to gravity and Galileo, I can fall at least as fast as anybody else.

Babies on a plane should count as a personal carry on item, like a purse or a handgun.

Nascar has gotten a lot better now that Jimmy Voight has retired.

Who is Jimmy Voight?

Remember? He used to drive for Team Viagra, but he kept trying to finish the four hour races after ten minutes.

In this terrifying world, all we have are the connections that we make.

Women are from penis, men are from Ippecach 4, the vomit planet.

Fathers: more than just the other parent.

California is evolution’s loophole. Life forms that should have died out long ago are still on government support.

Is what you have a proclivity or a malady? It makes a difference. To me.

Sometimes, I like company when I want to be home by myself.

—DG.