You know how E. coli and email are different things? Although they both start with an E, they are very different. Too much of one can make you sick, and the other is a strain of bacteria. Or, how a Ponzi scheme is different from a Fonzi scheme? Ayyyy! Sit on the pointy pyramid! Words that sound similar, or start or end with the same letter, well sometimes they aren’t the same things. Sometimes, they are different. Like, goat and gout. Having to convalesce in bed to recover from an attack of the goat might be a routine thing up in your country, but it’s not very common around here, so don’t get them mixed up.
Dirty Harry and Harry Potter, Hey you! Drop the magical things! Or, Dirty Harry Potter. That one involves a lot of butt stuff with Hermione. Note that none of these is the same as a dirty hairy porter. Avoid them. Thems are bad. They carry diseases.
Ragnarok and Fraggle rock, while similar in concept, they don’t end up in the same place, and their theme songs are different. Also, one is fictional.
Foray and Foyer, not the same, but you can make a foray into someone’s foyer, especially if it’s late at night and they aren’t expecting you. If they are not at home, you should probably leave before the police arrive. Note to self: Bring a brick. It could come in handy.
Bout and boat, for similar reasons to gout and goat. Don’t take a goat on your boat. It’s bad luck, and it might give you a bout of gout or hepatitis C. That goat is going to taste some good! Barbecued, with some dolphin, fried onions, and a little fennel.
Bored and board. If you go to a lumberyard to pick out a new board, and it takes a really long time, you could become bored. If you’re bored and you crack someone across the back of the head with a board, you won’t be bored anymore. You get bored of directors when the board of directors is always in your face, telling you what to do. People still say, in your face, right? That’s still a thing? I hope so, otherwise I might sound stupid. I just thought of something else. Fonzi says, Ayyyyy! Ponzi says, Beeeee!
Outhouse and New Jersey. These are often confused, but they are different somehow. The outhouse smells better? You don’t want to be in either one any longer than necessary? One is a way to get to New York, and the other is New Jersey? Planes fly into New Jersey, and flys fly out of an outhouse? I don’t know, there’s something there, but it’s not coming to me. It reminds me of that time Greg did a little thing, and then some crazy stuff happened, like in that book. You know the one? It was made into a movie by Spielberg for Netflix, starring the guy with the hair and the teeth. What’s his name? Not Greg. The other guy. And, definitely not Tom. RIP, Tom. Meh, I’ll get it eventually; whatever it is.
—DG.
Inside Doug's Head 