The reason there are no unicorns today is because when Al Gore built the ark to house the animals two by two to save them from global warming sea level rise, he didn’t notice they were both trans unicorns. One was a horse who identified as a unicorn, and the other was a zebra wearing unicorn makeup. Their uni-horns were plastic, although one of them was saving up to pay for the surgery to make it permanent.
Also, unicorns, like many mythical creatures, were never real. Neither is Australia. It’s just a bunch of Georgia hillbillies shooting squirrels, talking weird, and drunk driving four wheelers on TikTok, the grandfather clock. Don’t argue in the comments: Australia isn’t a continent or an island. It doesn’t exist. The mind control satellites are lying to you. Telepathically. Cut your hair, for obvious reasons*.
* Your hairs are your antennae. They receive signals from the cosmos and retransmit them directly to your brain. Haircuts reduce your susceptibility to nefarious messages from bad political actors. Like Ben Affleck. He’s a bad actor. Did you see Gigli or Daredevil? They sucked so bad it made the vampires blush.
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 