I must be afraid of the dark, because I don’t like to sleep at night. I have recurring nightmares where I am being chased by weird, homely children with plastic scissors, and I can’t run fast enough to get away. The experts say that we need eleven hours of sleep each night, and thirteen hours of physical activity during the day, but that life formula doesn’t leave me much time for drinking. On a good night, I might sleep four hours, but it’s not unusual for me to get no sleep. It’s no wonder I am always so cranky.
Even as a kid, my sleep habits were never very good, but they got a lot worse during university. Working late nights on assignments, followed by early morning classes left only a few hours in between for sleeping, and after a few years of living that way, the pattern seems to have stuck permanently.
In an effort to fix things, I have been trying out some of Alexa’s sleep sounds to help me fall asleep:
- A cat orgy in a suburban backyard.
- Two bums knife fighting over a plastic bag.
- Drug addicts arguing incoherently about which one pays more taxes.
- A man trying to start a chainsaw while muttering to himself that there must be water in the gas.
- A loud crash following ten seconds of violence, and it will be 14:00.
- A gaggle of prostitutes arguing with their pimp, whose name is Donny, or Greg.
- Someone falling down a very long flight of stairs, and just when you think they have reached the bottom, they keep going.
- A crowd of people arguing about what just happened after a pedestrian was hit by a bus.
- A beached whale being eaten by a squabble of seagulls.
- Two Indian guys discussing their business ideas while in a hot tub together. Rub-a-dub-dub, two Indians in a tub.
- A couple of dogs fighting over a piece of rope that has been tied to the peg-leg of a pirate.
- Bums having angry sex in an alley, i.e. bum sex.
- A dentist drilling a patient’s tooth while trying to have a conversation with them about the many virtues of flossing.
- A life insurance agent explaining the benefits of term- vs. whole-life insurance.
- An Italian guy trying to sell a vacation timeshare to a couple from Minnesota. Bah buh-da boopy? Oh, yah, eh.
Hey, Alexa! Play sleep sound #7. It’s my favorite.
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 
I’d buy that compilation in a heartbeat! Have you tried corporate work? I get in a solid three to four hours of sleep a day during meetings.
Yeah, I worked corporate for ten years, The stress made my sleep worse, and people kept talking in the meetings when I was trying to day nap. I work mostly with startups these days. It’s not much better, but it’s a surprise when you actually get paid!