Inside Doug's Head

All I get from doctors is side effects.

In my recent efforts to lose some weight, I decided I should stop drinking simple O-H molecules. It was a huge mistake.

It turns out that I needed those fluids to live! Predictably, perhaps, I promptly developed a kidney stone. My first clue was the three days of blood in my urine, which in my defense, I thought was a sign of something bad, like cancer, and I didn’t want to have cancer, so I decided it would be better to ignore it. If a problem can’t be solved by reason and logic, it should be ignored until it goes away. My motto. T-shirts are on sale now.

After 18 hours of agony and denial, I finally went to the ER. Good news! I don’t have prostate cancer. I have a rock wedged between my kidney and the world outside, and the healthcare professionals are routing for me.

They doped me up for dying, and the pain magically disappeared. Cool. I’m cured.

After ten days of not pooping, my priorities started to shift from the stone in my kidney to something else. I was caught between a rock and a very hard place.

Side effect one: The drugs they give you to make you forget about how much pain you are in will cause you to be in a different kind of pain later on.

As recommended by the guy in the ER whose name was all vowels, I went to a urologist a few days later. He was a troublesome and disturbing weirdo. I can’t say names because spidey senses for detecting molesters is not a defense in a civil slander case. So, no names.

He was old and really effin weird. Alarm bells going “ding ding ding!” No, I don’t need probing… or Viagra. I came to you for one reason only. Yes, my testicles are fine. Do you really need to feel them out? You do? Yes, I have extremely big balls. They have gotten me this far. Get your tiny hands off them.

Tamsulosin Hydrochloride, twice a day was prescribed. And I fell for it. The first dose made me feel woozy and very congested in the face nose of the breathing apparatus. The second dose made me nearly die. Actually, not figuratively, literally.

Side effect two: My blood pressure dropped to 90/45 with a heart rate of 135. Essentially, I was in shock; I couldn’t stand up without fainting for over four hours. The half life of the drug is nine to 13 hours. It takes five half lives to be essentially free of the effects.

Doing the math, I was going to feel like dying for the next three days. Eventually, it wore off. I didn’t die. Thankfully?

This drug should never have been approved for human consumption. Side effects include death from dying. FDA approved!

Doctors. They have what we need, but do we need what they have?

Plus, creepy perverts! They say, “take off your pants,” and we go, “Okay. Is this off enough?” Imagine if we had the same experience with a bus driver.

Doctor! Your ring is cold. “It’s not my ring, it’s my watch. You do want to get better, don’t you?”

—DG