Inside Doug's Head

I hear about them on the news: Vietnam, Colombia, Sudan, Nicaragua, and just about all over the world, but usually in jungle areas, armed gorillas attacking towns, villages, and government operated facilities. I don’t understand it. Why are the gorillas so angry? Did someone hide their bananas? More importantly, where did they get the guns? Really—if you ran a gun store, and a gorilla came in looking to buy an AK-47 or an RPG-7, would you take their money? If they have money, where do they keep their wallet? Is dried poop a form of currency that is accepted by international arms dealers? One thing is for certain; I don’t like where this trend is going.

Perhaps the gorilla gun trade is more clandestine than I imagine. I picture a situation where a gorilla knuckle-walks into a gun shop, probably takes a number and waits his turn, and then inquires of the man behind the counter for details on purchasing a fully-automatic assault rifle. The whole transaction is above board and very civilized. The gorilla takes his new gun, leaves the store, and proceeds to shoot wildly at people in the street. Fortunately, the gorilla’s clumsy hands prevent him from achieving a very high level of accuracy. Still, it would be terrifying to see a gun toting gorilla coming your way. A whole gang of them would be a truly menacing sight.

I may be wrong, though. Maybe the people who sell weapons to gorillas are not your average clean-cut death dealers. There have been stories about the association of gorilla groups with drug cartels and the sex-trade industry. Now, that is disturbing. It must take a really wrong-minded person to have sex with a coked-up gorilla prostitute. Even with  a lot of lipstick and perfume, it must be a horribly noisy and smelly act. The girl gorillas wouldn’t likely be much better.

I know that I’m undoubtedly taking an unpopular stand on this issue, but we should do something to stop gorillas from engaging in armed conflicts. Gorilla actions only encourage the monkeys, and we all know what they can be like.