Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Lately, I have been really trying hard to come up with some ideas for renewable energy sources. Fossil fuels are great and everything, and I am sure we will never run out of them, but they are kind of messy when they come in to contact with anything that is not made out of soap. Maybe it would be best if we left them in the ground and pursued other options for powering the machinery of the industrialized world.

No, I won’t bore you with a rehashing of the old standbys of solar, wind, and water, because these tired ideas don’t seem to be going anywhere very quickly. Instead, I would prefer to present alternatives to the cliché alternatives of clean and renewable energy; ideas that are not so obvious for reasons that will soon become apparent.

My first idea involves feeding a lot of pies to a gaggle of children, and having them drive their tricycles on some sort of belt that powers a dynamo contraption. We would then have a pie fueled generating station that could power the tricycle producing machines, and the kids would be in really great shape. Pies are natural and renewable, plus they taste good. We will need volunteers to make pies.

Or, how about all of those people in gyms wasting energy riding stationary bicycles and running aimlessly on treadmills like hamsters in a cage. We could hook them up to the same machine as the pie eating children, and when the children get tired, the bicycling and treadmilling people could start shouting mean things to the kids in order to motivate them. “Pedal faster, kid, there is a healthy salad chasing you!” Whenever you get the feeling that your life is going nowhere, you can spend a few hours riding a stationary bicycle.

If everyone collected their bacon grease and pork fat, and put it all into one giant communal vat, it could be used to power a thermal generating station, or to get Rosie O’Donnell and Kevin Smith through doorways. There are a lot of giant bums and cottage cheese thighs stuffed into spandex out there that we could tap into. Send them all for liposuction, and then burn the extracted fat to produce electricity. We should probably ask Oprah to donate her liposuction residue for the cause instead of injecting it into her audience members’ heads.

Whale oil is a renewable energy source that seems to have been overlooked. It is all natural, and good for the environment. We need to start converting our vehicles to burn all-natural whale oil to take advantage of this opportunity. Oh, don’t feel bad for killing whales. Trust me, if given half a chance, a whale would kill you and all of the people you care about.  Besides, now we can clone new ones, and make them even better with transgenics. Imagine a creature with the body of a whale, the brain of a spider, rhinoceros legs, and the voice of a seagull that isn’t Chris Christie. We would have to feed the baby whales until they got big enough to have lots of oil in them, but I think we could feed them corn because it seems to be used in everything these days. It will be called the corn-whale-energy (Mobyus Dickus) cycle.

Quite frankly, Pandas deserve to be extinct and we should not be tolerant of their poor attitudes on reproduction and the political process. God, how I hate pandas.

-DG.

2 thoughts on “Less Wailing & More Whaling

  1. Justin Jesse Batista says:

    I dont think Pie and Salad are good enough motivations. Maybe replace the healthy Salads with Starving Lions, and Tricycle Pedaling Children with Abducted People who have families, and Pie with A Really Real Looking Million Dollar Bill. This should save some money on your idea as well.

  2. Deborah E. Godsoe, M.D. says:

    I read your whale of a blogue and I feel you have seriously underestimated the IQ’s of whales. They will be reading your opinion, familiarizing themselves with your proposal of basically what amounts to genocide! Now they have plans to gather in the North Atlantic. This is going to upset the balance of the Earth, which will then tip over sideways, crash land into the moon. Who will be left to wail then?

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