Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Lawyers, along with their lesser familiars from HR, people who could easily be replaced by a bulletin board or a mediocre intranet application, can readily suck all of the joy out of living life on the edge. Water parks, ski slopes, ice covered stairs, lawn darts, pull-tab beer cans, gold fish with laser guns, and grizzly bears riding unicycles through shopping malls are all victims, in one way or another, of the fun eschewing freedom hating goals of lawyers everywhere.

A lawyer once sent me a Christmas card that read, “Wishing you a Merry Christmas*”

*[Wishing is not to be construed as entering into a contract, Faustian or otherwise, with a dark lord, mage, wizard, or any magical entity that has heretofore been associated with the practice of exchanging offerings of souls for assurances of physical or ethereal outcomes. Notwithstanding the aforementioned ‘wish’ for ‘merriness’, there is nothing expressed or implied in this message that should be construed as a promise or invitation to treat that is intended to be taken as a commitment that the degree of merriness, happiness, joy, or other gratification derived this year shall be greater than or equivalent to any year prior to the year in which this hollow declaration is made. By accepting this wish for ‘merry’ and/or ‘Christmas’, the recipient acknowledges that the entire liability for any accident or injury, disappointment or unfulfilled desire as a result of the existence of this card, whether due to a voluntary or involuntary action, inaction, or arising from the negligence or depraved indifference of the sender, shall be limited to no more than $0.01]

As Shakespeare wrote in Henry VI, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” And then, go after their families. I added that last part.


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