Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Liposuction: it means fat sucking. DIY liposuction involves using the turkey baster attachment on your vacuum cleaner to extract the fat from your waist and thighs. No exercise required. The only easier way for me to lose 20 pounds of ugly fat would be to cut off my head.

Instead of Fight Clubbing the sucked out goo into soap, I would probably turn it into refined lard. Then I could use it in pies and pancakes, as a form of ultimate recycling. Lose weight while eating pie.

Oooh. Now I really want pancakes. The Korean kind, where you whip the egg whites and fold them into the batter to make it extra fluffy. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Pancakes fried in lard. Human lard. All natural human lard. And pancakes. I am going to need a new vacuum cleaner.


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