Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

In January 2007, Michael Bierut redesigned the Doomsday Clock to give it a more modern feel. Well, who wouldn’t want the symbol of global doom to be stylish and modern? Don’t be showing up here all doomy with a Timex from 1947! Depressed scientists shouldn’t be allowed to speak in public.

Something I only recently started wondering about is whether ancient Roman airlines boarded their planes by groups, with groups I and II going before groups III, IV, and V? Or, did they use a different system, like metric, with groups of X?

What is more mythical and unbelievable than the Mormon Jesus? You know, Mormons are just people in uncomfortable underwear.

When I was younger, I would read when I pooped. Now, I need to poop when I read. It’s really inconvenient at the library.

Gorilla marketing is actually much worse than it sounds.

A good name for a computer pub, The Space Bar. Even though I like to drink, I would never go there. It would always be filled with hobbits and nerds arguing over something about the Enterprise.

If I put on enough weight that I get as big as a house, in California I can be worth a million dollars. If I get as big as church, I can be tax exempt.

Sometimes, I contemplate the burden of having to carry around a really heavy light.

The expression, a stick in the mud comes from the old English phrase, a dick in the mud, which means to stick your dick in someone’s mud. It’s not a good thing.

Here’s an idea: Tie a note, like a textbook, to a pigeon and then hold it down using a brick for a paperweight so that it doesn’t blow away. It’s just an idea I had.

If someone asks you to do something, and they are being annoying and impatient with you about it, tell them, Hey, I will in a minute, but first I want to make up a list of the people I’m going to kill in the next couple of days.

Business idea: a land moving service. You buy land, and we ship it to where you want it to go.

If I threw whiskey in that baby’s eyes, I would be the bad guy, but only because it’s a waste of whiskey. Where’s the vodka?

“Rampart, this is Rescue 51.” Remember, that? Emergency! Rampart would then say, “Start a D5W I.V. solution with Gatorade.” I forget what the Gatorade was for. Electrolytes.

I can’t seem to lose any weight even though I usually eat like a bird: standing up while I shit all over the place.

My earliest childhood food memory is the chalky taste of banana flavored Amoxicillin. No matter how hard I try, I can never get the flavor quite right when I attempt to recreate it.

Try Popeye’s Spinach Rage pre-workout, made from a slurry of spinach and vodka. It keeps you angry and drunk all day. It’s very popular in Russia.

With all these kids getting molested each year, you kind of have to suspect that maybe it’s sort of their fault. Not entirely, sure, but a little bit. Right?

Have you ever wondered about ugly plants? You know, wondered why they exist? Even the bees avoid them. What is it like to be such a loser at evolution that it’s main progenitors are hoping for your extinction?

After shaking someone’s hand, I always check to see if they have cancer by smelling my fingers. It’s a skill I discovered I have, like those dogs that can tell if you have cancer by sniffing your crotch. Turns out, everyone has crotch cancer. It’s not a very reliable test. How could it be? Are you stupid, or something?

Despite what the Biology-ignorant vegetarians believe, our teeth were made to chew meat. Why are our tongues made out of meat? Ouch, that hurts. Word to the wise: don’t put liquid band-aid on your tongue, or any sort of bandage for that matter.

Egyptian hieroglyphic spelling rules: bird 🦅 before eye 👁, except after dog 🐕. That might not really be true, so ask someone from Egypt before writing a paper in hieroglyphics. You wouldn’t want to seem dumb.

An Imdb movie content rating for moderate nudity: people are seen wearing clothes; they are naked underneath.

The first rule of Vegan Fight Club—tell everyone about Vegan Fight Club.

If you ever get invited by a stranger to go with them to an abandoned factory after dark, you should totally go. What’s the worst that could happen?

Oh, that’s just great! The Airport Simulator game I bought is now closed due to COVID‑19, and the General Contractor simulator game I paid for last week never showed up.

Has anyone ever tried making Guinea pig bacon? Is Guinea pork belly a thing?

Maybe we should tear down the statues of Paul Bunyan because of his poor environmental practices. And there’s that creepy blue ox of his… how did that happen?

Remember, if women ran the world, there would be no war… and no due process, but every 28 days there would be intense negotiations.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: