Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

The upside of my daughter being away on vacation is that I can move the stool that she uses to shit in the toilet tank:

African Farmers’ Shitting Implement. Invented by the Dutch Foreign Ministry as a form of social humiliation to maintain political domination. Like Republicans and the invention of Biden—if you shit in his mouth, he’ll give you a shiny new social program.

I usually trip over the thing late at night when I am trying to be quiet, but now I can move it out of the way; I don’t have the balance to not fall in. Sometimes, I bang my head on the towel rack (not shown) while I adjust to keep my testicles (also not shown, but for different reasons) from sinking into the water. We keep the nets in the cabinet.

The downside is that I miss her… and the drinks she makes me. I cut up my gums pretty badly last night on an empty whiskey bottle, and I forgot the recipe she gave me for ice. I hope her friends appreciate her company as much as I do.


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