Apparently, as the stories were paraphrased to me by an illiterate wino (maybe she said widow? I wasn’t actually listening), Jesus cured the leopards, made the lame nerds cool, and defeated the high school swim team by walking to the finish line, but he never once offered to heal anyone’s hemorrhoids. Why is that? Shoulder shrug emoji.
Remember that once popular TV evangelist from the ’80s? You know? That guy with the wife who had the Jiffy Pop hairdo. Jim Bakker? And Tammy Faye. Or am I imagining they were real people? Yes, obviously, I can look it up while I am typing because the blog isn’t done live, but I am testing out a literary device to pull readers in—asking stupid questions that can be answered by a monkey with a typewriter and a squirrel who can read but is not allowed to vote in Brazil because of racist chipmunks. Catholics have Chip Monks. Unrelated.
Jim Bakker used to do this thing where he would look directly into the camera and tell his followers to hold their afflicted parts against the TV screen and they shall be, “Heeeeal-edd!” I always wondered why the residents of the Anglican nursing home down the street could often be seen pressing their withered, wrinkled asses against the communal television set. You’ve got to have faith.
Now that I’ve got that situation sorted out, I’ll add a word of advice: don’t mix up your toothpaste and hemorrhoid cream. A minty fresh anus is a poor substitute for healthy teeth and gums. Especially in public, or on a date. Maybe you can get away with it on a third date, but definitely not on a first. “Hello, my name is Andy. Although my teeth are falling out of my head, feel free to smell…” Okay, I’m done now.