Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Bill Gates has been buying vast quantities of US farm land. Not too much land for an evil billionaire, but more than Jeffrey Epstein would purchase to ensure himself plenty of privacy. Bill Gates is also cheering the youths for protesting against eating meat from traditional agricultural sources, instead of encouraging them to stay in school and don’t do drugs. Coincidentally, he’s been burning down food processing facilities. The pyro!

Grass fed youths, lean, supple, and tender from lack of exercise and hard work, freely chaining themselves to the machinery of animal slaughter as some bizarre form of protest. You can’t spell slaughter without the laughter.

Bill Gates may actually be breeding the perfect new protein source. Veal needs to be forced to stay in a box to keep tender, and cows, chickens, and pigs need to be coerced down the chute to be put in a box. These kids do all the hard work of keeping themselves lazy for you, just give them an Xbox. Plus! You can keep their free leftover phones!

Pound for pound, are children cost effective? Compared to a cow? Should we eat the young? They seem to be the lowest intelligent life form available these days, and they get awfully upset when confronted with the reality of human biology. We eat animals for proteins and vitamins that we can’t get from plants. Cows give us milk. Bulls give us semen. Both have horns.

In the future, the cows and chickens will be left alone to be eaten by bears and wolves, while the children of lower IQ and higher education will be raised mooing about gender identity in free range fences. Farmed for their ability to turn high fructose corn syrup into protein. Eaten because they taste good slathered in Kentucky barbecue sauce.

And their crushing ennui spirit breaded in panko, dipped in honey garlic sweet sauce.

Gaahhh! I want one now! So much for my diet. Think about it. We can make this future happen. Greta, pan fried with a little fennel, and a nice Chianti. You know, for the good of the environment. Dinner at my place!


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