Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Lately, I have been seeing articles and videos on how unhealthy corn is for you; how a corn addiction can ruin your relationships and diminish your libido. I always thought corn was a good thing, especially fermented and distilled, aged in oak. I’ve always been an ally of corn, so I’m a wee puzzled as to the sudden cause for concern.

Women making and selling corn on OnlyFans is poison, and the reason men are walking away from dating.

Poison corn? That seems bad, but why is it poison, and how do you make corn?

My husband left me because I couldn’t stop doing corn, too much corn. Well, yeah, I guess if I cooked corn for dinner every night, my wife would probably leave me, too. Try some carrots and potatoes for a change.

Gradually, it has dawned on me that corn might be a euphemism for something else—porn, maybe. In this day and age of censorship and newspeak, corn is the new porn. Dirty, sexy corn. It gets caught between your teeth, and you’ll need to floss with anal beads to get it out.

Word of advice: the next time you get invited to a corn boil, verify with your host to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. You wouldn’t want to show up with a pound of melted butter and your heirloom ceramic pig cob holders, only to discover that you were confused. It would be so disappointing, on a couple of levels, to say the least.


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