Inside Doug's Head

It’s called soaking, and it’s something that Mormons do to try and fool their god because they think he’s stupid and won’t notice the glaring loophole in his perfect plan.

In lieu of vigorous sex, they just stick it in and let it rest, or soak, until the Mormon Jeebus tells them it’s been in there long enough. It’s okay to have friends and neighbors jump on the bed next to you to help you out with secondary motion, as long as you don’t put any effort into the act and they keep most of their clothes on for the duration. What happens afterwards doesn’t count, either.

As long as the Mormon god doesn’t think anyone is deriving any pleasure from the mechanical act of reproducing, it’s all good and the doors to Mormon heaven will still be open. The moment anyone cracks a smile, or smiles at a crack, the jig is up and it’s straight to Mormon hell, which I believe is a Taco Bell in the Bronx. I’ve been there, it’s pretty bad. Dead Mormons everywhere!

Soaking. It’s a thing. Who knew?

—DG