If you say, Hey Siri, please kill me now; I am emotionally broken and I don’t want to live anymore, she calls 911, or 999 in places where 9 comes before 1, like in the UK, and she rats you out to the authorities for gender wrongthink, a crime punishable by death. Total genius!
People in lavender scented riot gear suddenly arrive to take you to a hospital for 96 hours of mandatory observation, with a police baton shoved in your rectum. Wrecked him? Damn near killed him! Thanks, Siri, for keeping the state oppression 100% efficient.
What would we do without government sponsored technology? Live free, I suppose.
Afterwards, they send you a bill for your treatment, but you may keep the baton for your troubles. It, the baton, is very cheery, like a perverse fortune cookie, bearing an upbeat inspirational message, but less ambiguous and there is no cookie.
At least they let me hang on to my cellphone. Without it, I’d have nothing left to live for; I’d go right off the deep end.
Wubbah dubbah dub dub!
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 