Inside Doug's Head

TLDR: you should learn to read, you stupid, ignorant goof. It’s a great story. What have you got against written words? Read, and form your own opinion. Just because you dropped out of ninth grade doesn’t automatically make you a senator. Read, you dumb, illiterate idiot. CNN isn’t going to explain it to you. Also, I hate idiots.

Peas. Frozen peas. Harvested fresh from Lincolnshire where Mrs. Buckley lives. Peas taken fresh from her sweet, sweet behind; one sweat soaked pea at a time. In July. Every July? In July. But we can still see snow. The fields are covered in snow. In July? Every July. Do you mean that?

It’s hard to start a sentence with in and put a hard emphasis on the first word. Orson Welles wasn’t wrong. He understood how people speak and hear. More celebrity sellouts need to read the words they are asked to speak and consider how they sound when read aloud. Orson Welles was a directorial genius, and it must have been incredibly hard for him to work with these corporate hacks.

In the twilight of his career, Orson Welles appeared in several commercials, probably to pay his lawyers for his three divorces and his drug dealer keeper-awayers.

When I was 14, I remember he did an ad for Visa, back when personal credit was still something they had to advertise. Yeah, the banks invented the concept of going into debt to pay for groceries. The Welles ad was about hotel room reservations and checking in late. Use a CREDIT card to guarantee your room, even if you arrive late. He was always showing up late for things, with a cache of prostitutes and a bevy of drug dealers. Staring into the camera, “I sometimes arrive late, and need more space than expected.” Liar. Like it was an everyday James Bond problem.

Viz., it’s 8:05pm, and I just shot a guy in the face on the elevator between the 7th and ground floor. Luckily, I guaranteed my room with Visa! Otherwise, I’d have no unsuspecting room service attendant to rape tonight!

In the morning, I’ll make a quip about her name and it’s connection to a sexual proclivity of mine. Like, four is ten in metric! It’s why we’re British! That should keep her from calling the police. Ha. Ha. Ha.

[If you read the books, JB does this room service, personnel attendant, or anyone else in the room, rape thing a lot. Every 15 pages, or so. It’s sort of a thing that he thinks women want. Room service; here’s your cake, Mr. Bond, only to be forcibly sodomized over the ottoman. Sexy, to a few, but omitted from the screenplays.]

MI6 is a real political organization, and they have been allowing this kind of publicity since the ’60s, without even blinking an imaginary eyelid! How bad they are in actuality is incomprehensible. They just let it slide. Meh, we’ve done way worse.

Now, it’s because of Orson that hotels charge your credit card for a full night stay after 5pm, even when you have been killed in a car accident, if you don’t cancel your reservation. Orson Welles did that. He made that practice normal. It’s called Orwellean for a reason: it’s a portmanteau of Orson Welles. Or-Wellean. Please disregard that other guy, what’s his name? George Orwell. He doesn’t count in my version of history.

Yes, well, your husband’s last words were, Oh, my God, I am going to die! Tell my family I love them. Oh, and please cancel my reservation at the Marriott, ahhh, I am literally, in the correct use of that word, on fire! It hurts so much! Who would have thought that being burned alive to death would hurt so badly? I’m praying for death! Ahhhhh! Why is this taking so long?

Unfortunately, though, your dead husband didn’t specify exactly which hotel reservation he was canceling. The Marriott on the waterfront, or the Marriott on the East side next to the Staples in the industrial park. The computer says we’ll have to charge you the full rate for the night for non cancellation. You dumb cunt. They add that last bit under their breath, the moment you look away.

OK, bringing it back home, no surprise, the banks did it. The invention of personal credit and the requirement for guaranteeing your hotel reservation. They just used a financially desperate, semi-popular celebrity down on his luck to help normalize it, like frozen peas. They wonder why we hate the piss right out of them. The banks and the celebrity sellouts representing them. Also, frozen peas. Gotta hate them, too! Did you know that peas don’t come frozen naturally? In the “wild” they are unfrozen before they are shot and killed by specially trained hunters, and their feathers are removed right before the peas are frozen. So, now you know.

Yah. But, especially hate the Jews for starting all of the banking and accounting bullshit. What? Shut the hell up, Cartman! Nobody should hate anybody, especially for large ethereal concepts like math and accounting.

When the letters become too blurry for me to type correctly, it ends here.

—DG