Right now, what you are doing is probably a bad idea. If you find yourself parked in the middle of an expressway blocking two lanes of traffic while you scream hysterically at the driver behind you, it’s probably a bad idea.
If you think throwing french fries in your server’s face will help convince them that they are cold, it’s probably a bad idea.
If you think giving your credit card numbers to a guy named Steve with a suspicious sounding foreign accent will fix your issues with the IRS, it’s probably a bad idea.
If you think bullying a kid at the playground with words like, “look how big I am!” will help you win your territorial rights argument over the swingset, it’s probably a bad idea.
If you think murdering your third husband and burying him in the backyard is a crime that will never be discovered, it’s probably a bad idea.
If you think punching a flight attendant will resolve the dispute you are having with the passenger seated next to you who is wearing a t-shirt you don’t agree with, it’s probably a bad idea.
If you are at Walmart late at night, or anytime during the day, it’s probably a bad idea. You are more likely to die a violent death in a Walmart parking lot than anywhere else in the universe. Your probability of surviving a rapid decompression while en route to Mars is greater than not dying from a gunshot wound in the vicinity of a Walmart. Fun fact!
Every day, I see so many people with bad ideas. Some bad ideas will get you arrested, others will get you killed. If there’s any doubt about the sagacity of your choices, shut up, smile politely, apologize if necessary, and back away like a cat with wet feet.
That’s still an expression, right? Like, a cat with wet feet. You know, when cats step in wet stuff and then walk around the house, suddenly realizing they’re leaving footprints. They don’t want to be blamed for creating the mess, so they walk backwards really slowly, retracing their steps. Like a cat with wet feet, hoping to avoid detection. It wasn’t me! It was the other guy! Maybe the dog did it.
Don’t be a meme. Seriously, people. Do better. We have 600 million years of evolution on our side. Don’t come all this way through space and time only to die in an ego battle over a shopping cart and a water bottle. If it helps, you are both wrong. Wrong and stupid. I look down upon you from above. I’m very disappointed.
—DG
Inside Doug's Head 