Can we please stop pretending that paper drinking straws are a suitable replacement for plastic? When paper gets wet, it turns soggy, which is a fact I learned in the first grade when my homework got soaked in the rain and all the paper disintegrated. Same thing happens when you put a cardboard tube in …
They live on the second floor. Not Luka, and I have not seen them before. They moved in during the quarantine, and from what I can surmise from the noise they make, they are 800 pound aliens from outer space, with eight legs, and hammers for fingers. They kill people, cut them up after midnight, …
There’s a scene in Charlton Heston’s 1971 movie, The Ωmega Man, which I think means the last mega man, where he kills a guy—what are those things? Black people in whiteface? Was that a thing in the’70s?—anyhow, after some prolonged thrashing about, he eventually kills a guy by ligature strangulation using his belt with the …
Hitler didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, and he didn’t touch himself at night. One of those isn’t true. He did want a glass of juice, and he’d invade most of Europe to get it.
Whenever I hear arguments that A is greater than B, and B is less than C, but D is worse than A, and E is a total jerk, all I can think is, “I am a doubleyou. Where does that leave me?” Rise above. —DG.
Inside Doug's Head 