Inside Doug's Head

Every Day is Christmas

Doug Godsoe

October 1, 2020

Not that long ago, I used to go outside for groceries. I would drive the walkable 0.7 miles to the local grocery store (it is California, and we are all about the environment, you know) to pick up carrots, dead cow, dead Babe (i.e. pork, or pig), and poultry, (there are no movie famous chickens, except for that little one, what was his name? I always forget his name. Little Chicken?)

Life is harder now, and easier. Thanks, Governor Nuisance, for locking us all indoors to die, but I found a way to live through your political bull shirt (Apple auto kermit is so kool). You can order all of your micro nutritional needs online. And they deliver right to your door. With a note. From Santa.

It’s just like Christmas! I got a package of tomato sauce! Thanks, Santa! And more yeast than I can leaven in a lifetime! Thanks Santa! What’s this? Capers? In sea salt?! AND nonpareil! How did you know, Santa! I always wanted these. And a nude Farrah Fawcette poster. Food and hot chicks are my two favorite things!

Soap in a bottle! And lotion to stop me from itching. I used to have to go outside for that. Thanks, Santa. I can’t help but feel like maybe Santa is manipulating me a little bit, here.

Yay! Democrats!

I could be wrong. Feel free to reach your own conclusions. Yay! Democrats!

—DG.

Beat and Evil Days

Doug Godsoe

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September 14, 2020

And something relevant about Jack Kerouac. For some, probably dark, reason, I am back in Texas. Visiting friends and people I don’t know. As usual, it’s 97 degrees on the F scale, and 100% humidity on the swampy-ass scale. COVID is here, but the related California insanity is not. A stranger just bought me a beer, and I smell barbecue. Two hopefully unrelated facts,

~~Continue reading~~

It’s Crazy In Here

Doug Godsoe

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June 7, 2020

Like most people these days, I’ve been locked indoors too long. To pass the time, I have been watching a lot of foreign films on Netflix and Amazon without subtitles. I just assume I know the language and imagine my own dialogue. I wonder what a subtitled porno would be like. “Hey! Don’t put that in there! Yeah, that’s probably going to make you nauseous. Gross.” She is going to get a sunburn being outside like that.

Masturbation

Doug Godsoe

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November 24, 2019

In 7th grade I learned that the word masturbation means to pollute with the hand. As a result of that bit of linguistical knowledge, whenever I see someone throwing garbage on the ground at a park, playground, or school auditorium I yell at them, Hey, you! Stop masturbating in public, especially while you’re in plain sight of the children!

Too Ugly For TV

Doug Godsoe

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October 25, 2019

There used to be a time when you had to be reasonably attractive to be an actor. These days, it would seem that the film actor’s guild is accepting all sorts of victims from highspeed train wrecks and late term miscarriages. You don’t even have to have the right number of arms and legs anymore. I don’t want to name names, we all know who they are, but I don’t know what dark force in the universe imbued these balls of flesh putty with the self confidence to stand up and say to the world, “I know I look like the inside of a leprechaun’s reproductive junk, but I’m going to Hollywood to be an actor. Not just a porn actor, but a mainstream actor for the Chinese film and propaganda industry.”