Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

If you read the instructions, the advice you get is beneficial for all aspects of your life. Take these gems of wisdom for example. Really, take them. I don’t want them anymore.

  • Keep out of reach of children.

Stay up high and out of sight. My kids will never find me up here on the roof.

  • Avoid open flames.

Open flames are the worst kind. Closed flames are way better, but they are harder to enjoy.

  • Close cover before striking.

You mean, take cover. Wait; what am I striking, exactly?

  • Avoid contact with eyes.

Eye contact really stings. Especially with hammers and meat thermometers. Fingers, tree branches, bumble bees, grocery bags, urine…

  • Avoid activities requiring mental alertness.

Well, that’s just common sense. Who wouldn’t avoid mentally alert requiring activities? Duh.

  • Avoid excessive heat.

Keep the heat levels to the just right setting.

  • Avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight.

Sage advice for vampires. Don’t run with stakes, either.

  • May cause drowsiness. Alcohol intensifies this effect.

Good idea! Woo hoo! Codeine and alcohol! Now, where’s that heavy machinery I need to drive to get to my air traffic controlling job?

  • Do not use if security seal is broken.

How do I get it out of the package?

  • Not recommended for pregnant or nursing women.

They mean guns. I wouldn’t suggest arguing with pregnant or nursing women, either. It will just end…badly.

  • Discontinue use if diarrhea or bloody stools develop.

OK, absolutely, without question. Anything that causes that to happen, I don’t need to be told to stop.

There are lots more. Keep an eye out, and stay safe. Avoid suffocation.


One thought on “Good Advice from Warning Labels

  1. sparklebumps says:

    Laughing my butt off. Very funny, you are.

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