Inside Doug's Head

If you read the instructions, the advice you get is beneficial for all aspects of your life. Take these gems of wisdom for example. Really, take them. I don’t want them anymore.

• Keep out of reach of children.

Stay up high and out of sight. My kids will never find me up here on the roof.

• Avoid open flames.

Open flames are the worst kind. Closed flames are way better, but they are harder to enjoy.

• Close cover before striking.

You mean, take cover. Wait; what am I striking, exactly?

• Avoid contact with eyes.

Eye contact really stings. Especially with hammers and meat thermometers. Fingers, tree branches, bumble bees, grocery bags, urine…

• Avoid activities requiring mental alertness.

Well, that’s just common sense. Who wouldn’t avoid mentally alert requiring activities? Duh.

• Avoid excessive heat.

Keep the heat levels to the just right setting.

• Avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight.

Sage advice for vampires. Don’t run with stakes, either.

• May cause drowsiness. Alcohol intensifies this effect.

Good idea! Woo hoo! Codeine and alcohol! Now, where’s that heavy machinery I need to drive to get to my air traffic controlling job?

• Do not use if security seal is broken.

How do I get it out of the package?

• Not recommended for pregnant or nursing women.

They mean guns. I wouldn’t suggest arguing with pregnant or nursing women, either. It will just end…badly.

• Discontinue use if diarrhea or bloody stools develop.

OK, absolutely, without question. Anything that causes that to happen, I don’t need to be told to stop.

There are lots more. Keep an eye out, and stay safe. Avoid suffocation.

-DG.