Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Television commercials are becoming increasingly and annoyingly abstract. We see cars driving along with strings on them advertising financial services, dogs running through the woods advertising car batteries, and sheep in a field advertising Old navy. The advertising agencies must think they are being clever in their obtuseness, but they continue to miss the point. Commercials should not leave us with the sense of, that was neat, but what product was it for? Even more disturbing, is the rash of talking babies in commercials. Personally, I never take investing advice from babies; they are only good at pooping in their pants, so why would I ever believe one who is telling me to sign up for an e-trade account?

Here is a short list of TV commercials that ad agencies should consider producing:

  • The Optimum cable guy walks onto an empty set and begins spewing propaganda and lies about how fantastic the Optimum services are. He is so engrossed in himself and his fiction that he does not notice that someone is casually strolling up beside him. Suddenly, the newcomer pulls out a large burlap bag and bludgeons the Optimum spokesman to death.  After the cries of agony have stopped, we see that the sack is full of doorknobs. The perpetrator, after a brief pause to wipe blood and sweat off his face, looks into the camera and says, “Can you believe the price of doorknobs these days? At the Discount Doorknob Warehouse you will always find a wide selection of quality doorknobs, at the lowest prices, to satisfy all your doorknob needs.” The scene ends with the Discount Doorknob Warehouse corporate logo, 800-number, and location information being displayed on screen.
  • We start with an interior scene of a lingerie boutique; there are female mannequins wearing sexy pink panties off to the side. Hulk Hogan suddenly bursts into view, shouting, “Are you men getting the urge to wear these? You need to increase your Hulk serum to restore your manliness! This pill increases your free Hulk serum levels by 500%!” Hulk pulls out a bottle of pills with a black and gold label on it. “No other product on the market can say that! The secret ingredient is ground up bits of the Hulk! It all started with my nipples, because real men don’t need nipples!” Hulk takes a momentary pause to reflect on his message, and then with less enthusiasm adds, “You know, in spite of how much I need the money, I kind of hope these don’t sell very well, because I am running out of organs to contribute to the makers of the product.” The camera pulls back to reveal a bottle of the male enhancement pills, and the slogan appears: There should be a little bit of Hulk inside of everyone. In the background we see Hulk Hogan kicking the mannequins over and picking up random objects, tossing them to the ground, “Grrrr. Hulk smash!”
  • A guy in a business suit is standing in front of a photocopier in a formal office environment. While he waits absentmindedly for the copier to finish, another suited man, we assume he is a colleague, approaches the copier and walks straight into the waiting man. “Holy-Hell, Bill, I didn’t see you standing there” he exclaims. “You know, Bill, low testosterone levels can make you invisible to the rest of the world. You must have low testosterone, Bill. Soon we will be calling you Sheila. Hey, everybody, Bill is going to start wearing his wife’s dresses and bras with his pretty pink panties!” The mocking continues full force from there. They are jerks one and all. Right now, I am not really sure what the ad will be selling. It will be either testosterone booster pills, or handguns (a handgun can make anyone feel more like a man).
  • We see a car winding its way down a meandering two-lane roadway. Although there are hills and valleys in the far off background, the lack of buildings and other signs of civilization give us a sense of desolation. A close-up view of the vehicle’s instrument cluster reveals that the car is running very low on fuel; the warning light flashes on. From the interior of the car, looking through the front windshield, we see a gas station as we turn a corner. An overhead exterior view shows the vehicle pulling into the driveway and up to the pumps. A man exits the vehicle and heads towards the washroom. Inside the washroom, we discover that the driver of the vehicle is none other than the legendary Buzz Aldrin. Buzz pushes open the stall door to give us a view of the toilet, and we see him smile approvingly. Zoom to a tight-in close-up on his face. With gravitas and admiration he delivers his famous line, “Magnificent defecation.” I guess this would be a commercial for Shell, or Exxon. Or, tires, maybe. “Houston, we have a floater.” 
  • A man is in his backyard barbecuing. He turns around to face the camera, and it is the Shaquile O’Neil. Shaq begins to spout information about his new Grill Master 5000. Rambling on about the versatility of its three grills, and its industry leading high B.T.U. output. Shaq then says, “Well, that’s enough about my barbecue.” He holds up a bottle of Gold Bond lotion, and we see, hand written in black marker on the label, Shaq’s Jerkin’ Juice. He turns and walks to the door of his house, pauses, and looks back to the camera. “This won’t take long.”

2 thoughts on “Television Commercials I Would Like to See

  1. Kurtis McCarthy says:

    I’M FRIENDS WITH YOUR SON!!!!!!!! Haha

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