Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Recently—today, actually—I had to travel to Canada for reasons. It has been a while since I have been back, and I am dismayed, yet unsurprised, at how much of an oppressive totalitarian dictatorship the place has turned into since my last visit over a year ago. It has become like Disney, except without the fun.

After arriving at the Vancouver airport, while I was waiting in line for the Customs guy to interrogate me on my negative test results required to be from no more than 72 hours earlier, results that can take up to five days to get, I watched a nearby brown shirt rebuke and rebuff someone for not hoisting their mask far enough up on their face. As he walked towards me, I engaged the truculent martinet with some thoughtful conversation.

“You know,” I said, “they have discovered that if you stick a carrot up your ass, and keep it in there while you go about your day, it’s just as effective as wearing a mask at preventing the spread of viruses.”

Glowering back at me, he said, “What? Eh? I don’t think there’s any evidence for that claim. The benefits of wearing a mask have been researched by medical experts and they say it works.”

“Right,” I said, adding, “But there are medical experts who disagree with the efficacy of wearing a mask, saying that it does more harm than good in the larger view of things. It’s the same for having a carrot in your ass. Just because you’re not aware of the current research on the topic doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. In fact, there are researchers all over the world studying the benefits of ass carrots, and just like with masks, there are a lot of variables to consider. The length of the carrot, whether or not it is peeled, and of course, you have to think of the girth. Always the girth.”

His face soured a bit further, which was unfortunate since he was already disadvantaged in the facial department. The mask served to his advantage. He didn’t seem like he was being convinced, but he offered no objection to my continuing. “Initially, they thought that the carrot had to be at least eight inches long, but a team in France discovered positive benefits with carrots as short as ten centimeters. I mean, they’re French, so yeah, obviously. A group in Sweden claims that parsnips are equally as effective, but they and their findings have come under scrutiny since it was recently discovered that they were funded by a parsnip growers consortium. Scientists are even looking into finding out if there is an additional benefit from parboiling the carrot before it is inserted. You have to be careful, though, because if you cook it too long, it turns to mush when you try to push it up there. So, there’s science, just like with the masks, there’s a lot of variables and research is happening.”

“There is a lot of evidence that shows masks work, and I have not heard of this carrot thing before today. Besides, even if they don’t stop the virus, masks remind people to not touch their face. ” I could tell he was getting grumpy with me, so I needed to dig in to drive the point home.

“Actually, there’s a lot of evidence that shows that, at best, wearing a mask provides no benefit. The rate of new cases didn’t slow down even a little bit after mask mandates and lockdowns were put in place. Besides, if masks work so well, then why is everything still closed? Why can’t we go back to work, and go about our daily lives without having hysterical government agents shouting at us like we are a threat to the survival of civilization? Why are these border people cocooned behind eight foot tall sheets of lucite, wearing goggles and face shields as if they’re arc welding and angle grinding back there?”

To which I furthered, “A carrot in your ass is just as good a reminder as a mask is for all sorts of things, maybe even better. I know I become very focused and mindful when I have a carrot in my ass.”

“The government has not ordered people to do that. When the government tells you to do something, then you do it.”

“Is that all that is lacking? A government mandate?” He nodded and squinted his beady little rodent eyes, while beneath his mask, I am sure he pursed his ferret like lips. I continued, “You would get behind enforcing—with vim, vigor, and fervor—you would enforce a law that requires people to have an eight inch carrot shoved up their ass? Forcibly, if necessary?”

Without giving it much thought, he affirmed, “I would if they told me to.”

I find that admission incredibly disturbing. And weird; what a weirdo he was. I shook my head in disapproval, left it at that, and proceeded to speak to the next available border agent.

People, pay attention, because it is likely not where you thought I was going with this one. Right there is the reason that big governments with unfettered powers are a serious threat to your lives, liberties, and welfares. There are zealots of poor conscious and weak moral values in this world, those who would happily, and without regard for your rights and dignities as a person, enforce any rule a corrupt and powerful government puts in place, even if it means shoving an eight inch carrot in your ass, probably against your will, just to serve the whimsy of their glorious leader.

These people are the real disease we are enduring today, but they can only be controlled by limiting the authority we collectively surrender to our governments. The only way to stop them is by recognizing what they are doing and by fighting them early and often. Bad things have been going on for far too long already.

All of the Karens who were previously thrown out of Walmarts across America are now working as security in Canadian airports. As I was bee-lining it towards the exit, one more of them felt she had to stop me to give me a piece of paper with instructions on it. I said I have one already, it’s in my bag (actually I had just thrown it in the trash; first they want to save the trees, now they want to cut them all down to make waste at the airport.) She was offended that I wasn’t stopping sufficiently, to her satisfaction, to engage her, so she loudly and forcefully started lecturing me on how I needed to pay attention and listen to her; I needed to be aware of the penalty for not obeying her commands. To which, I nodded, and asked her if there were any other laws that she urgently and angrily needed to explain to me the penalties for, like kidnapping, murder, or money laundering? Is it still illegal in Canada to trade humans for South African krugerrand coins, or did that law get repealed in the 90s? She had no response. Angels, I pray, protect me from idiots and clowns in uniforms, for they are among us.

Continuous reminders play over speakers in airports, hotel lobbies, and everywhere compression waves can be heard by human ears (so, not in the forests where trees are falling) admonishing people to wash your hands and stay away from each other. Wear a mask to hide your ugly face. Save lives! Meanwhile, people are still dying from other causes. Fires, car accidents, incidents involving ladders and roofs, children with scissors and single digit IQs. No safety announcements about those dangers? Obviously not, because a tyrannical government and its state run media can’t stir up enough mayhem to use them to their political benefit.

For over 150 years, authors of science fiction have been spelling out the template governments will use to enslave us, and yet there is so much disbelief when the story unfolds exactly as foretold. A government created crisis (a disease, bad weather, crop failures, racial impurity), followed by a government formulated solution (wear a mask, give us money, kill people who are different from you), and surrender your freedom to the government; trust and believe in your leaders.

Research conducted by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s showed that 90% of people would do serious harm to another if directed to do so by a higher authority: someone in a white lab coat, a political officer, or a religious leader. Only 10% of people refused to blindly follow the morally depraved commands of authority. From what I see here, the other 90%, they all seem to be working for the government of Canada right now.

Politically, I fear it is already too late for Canada to return to being a fair and just society. The masses blindly believe their liberal autocratic leader can do no wrong, in spite of the evidence to the contrary, and once the people have been brainwashed, disarmed and sufficiently cowed, the descent into tyranny seems inevitable. State sanctioned savagery to follow brutality, while the Supreme Court of government appointed judges is sound asleep in their chambers.


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