Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

It has been especially cold and wet in California this winter, and consequently I thought I should do my part to contribute to the cause of global warming. I’m usually pretty comfortable with indoor temperatures in the mid 60s, but this weekend I turned the old thermostat up to 95F (the F is for Fahrenheit, not the other F’d). When it got too warm, I turned on the AC and watched as the two systems battled it out for supremacy. Enjoy it Canada! You can thank me later. Like, in the summer, when your crops don’t fail from ice storms, and your babies don’t freeze to death in July.

My god, Canada sucks. And blows. It’s why there are no good Canadian saxophone players. Blow, man, blow. For why you always suck?

On a side note, first I ran out of whiskey. Then I ran out of vodka. Soon, I will run out of tequila. Personally, 2021 is shaping up to be as disastrous a year as 2020. I know I am a terrible person, but I am not a monster, I am a human bean.

My family seems to have abandoned me; I have been left on my own for weeks, maybe months, and I am running out of critical supplies. Please send aid. God bless those who… deserve blessings. And smite the piss out of those who need smiting. FYI, my god is a vengeful god, often liquored up and ready for a fight.


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