Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

On that day, Linda was supposed to be in the control room monitoring the pressure readings while drilling was in progress. Sadly, she wasn’t there. Instead, she was away, taking care of some personal business. Dirty, sinful business. She was off getting some things down on paper, if you catch my meaning. She was gone… pooping. During the accident investigation, it was assumed that the fire and subsequent explosion were the result of that bean she ate the day before. Linda was always eating beans and lentils, often with explosive results.

The cause was not a bean; the USCSB report attributed the fire to methane from ground sources leaking into the well. While the drilling crew was conducting a tripping procedure, the drill pipe and bottom hole assembly (BHA), including the drill bit, were completely removed from the vertical section of the well. At 8:35am, a crewman observed mud flowing up out of the blowout preventer stack after the blind rams were reopened. At 8:36am, gas and mud blew violently upwards out of the well. The gas ignited, causing a large fire and explosion. There was no bean.

The sudden pressure increase from the gas was not properly controlled, on account of Linda being AFK TCB, i.e. pooping. The explosion that killed five workers and injured several others, some of them seriously, was caused by Linda’s gross negligence. Gross because she was pooping at the time, and negligence because all she had to do was say to Tom, “Hey, Tom, I’m going to go make some organic rice fertilizer. Watch my station while I’m gone?” And, Tom, the great guy that he was, would have replied, “Gross, but sure thing, Linda.” Teamwork! It’s written on a poster.

Sadly, Tom was lost to all of us that day. Go with angels, sweet Tom. You big beautiful bastard.

Greg is still around, though. Goddammit, Greg! Why couldn’t it have been you?


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