Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

It’s like $11 a gallon at Smart and Final, and it will power your Trotsky inspired hand cast tractor for a month. Or, one of me for an evening. Don’t invite me to your birthday party unless you’re serious about calling the cops when things get out of hand. My license plate number is 911, because those buildings deserved better.

Whiskey keeps me more high brow and socially acceptable, but any hydroxyl will do in a pinch. It’s those short chained OHs that I love so much. I can respirate the congeners. No worries, there.

Did you know that Lysol is like 90% methanol? Have you ever found a can in a park or cemetery with a hole punched in the bottom? Give money to your local homeless drunk so they don’t have to drink Lysol out of the can. Life is hard; you don’t have to be.

And, remember, a mind is a terrible thing.


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