Inside Doug's Head

For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.

Guests—friends and people you don’t know—come to visit you, and you want to feed them finger food, but neither one of you has any idea where their fingers have been, and they are most likely covered in germs and sin. What do you do? Well, here is a classy little trick that I learned from traveling on my country’s national airline years ago, long before they replaced customer service with neglect and abuse.

Start by previously purchasing a short stack of plain white face/hand cloths. Nothing fancy, and if you’re so inclined you can make them yourself, out of plants and a loom. Scissors, too, even. Remember, cotton should be ginned before use.

In a large bowl, add water, a few drops of dish soap, and a small amount of lemon juice. Soak each of the cloths in the solution, and wring them out well. Fold each one into an appealing shape. I prefer a swan or a praying orangutan, but you do you. A fistful of sand is also an attractive shape that is easy to achieve.

Place each folded cloth on a microwave safe tray, and once filled, place the tray into the microwave, on high, for maybe an hour? It seems like a long time, but you want to get those things lava hot for what comes next. A whole day in the microwave would be excessive, so one to two hours feels just about right.

You and your guests are having a lovely time, but everyone is starting to get a bit peckish. Your guests seem reticent to gorge themselves on the foods you have put out before them because of their sullied hands and souls. That’s when you present the perfect, Martha Stewart certified and certifiable, answer: steaming hot hand cloths, ready for wiping away grime and sin. Scalding hot, to sterilize, and third-degree burns hot, to teach a valuable lesson.

Use tongs, and aim for the face. Everyone knows that the face is dirtier than a cellphone. Let thy countenance shine upon thee!

Your plastic surgeon and burn ward nurse friends will thank you for the overtime. Shameful sinners will know better than to enter your pure household with filthy hands and a dirty mind, expecting hot dogs and secular sloppy Karens. Amen. Can I get an Amen?


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