Stories about me and what made me this way.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about time travel. If I were to invent only one thing in my lifetime, I want that one thing to be a time traveling machine. Unfortunately, I already know I don’t invent one, because the first thing I would do with it would be to go back in time …
Although I have grudgingly accepted the fact that at least some amount of exercise is inevitably in my future, the conundrum of how best to get it remains. Doing anything resembling a sport is, for obvious reasons, definitely out. A few years ago, before I became completely doughy, I had worked up to running five …
A few million years ago, the people of planet earth figured out that if they jabbed a ring through the nose of an angry 2400 pound animal, they could make it do their bidding by tying a rope through the ring and pulling really hard. Even after all these years, Bill Clinton is still trying …
It turns out that they are significantly more tolerable if you just stare passively at their jiggly boobs and wait quietly for the vitriol to end. Avoid direct eye contact at all cost. For the love of God, do not ask follow up questions. And how was your relationship with your father? It’s your nuclear …
And I don’t mean mustard. There’s a weird piece of crud on the floor that looks like either a Rice Krispy or a turd from a mouse. These things are not interchangeable–tasty marshmallow treats made from mouse excrement are not very enjoyable.
Inside Doug's Head 