At the event of his 80th birthday, George Burns (this happened after he was God, but before he died) declared that he felt the same at 80 as he did when he was 17, which tells us what a pathetic 17 year old he was, and then everyone in the audience laughed; it was back …
After pondering and ruminating about the universe for a considerable amount of time, and waking up on my living room floor for the third time this week, I have come to the conclusion that I really need to do something better with my life. Or, maybe my life needs to do something better with me. …
Whenever friends or family are leaving after visiting me, I always say to them, “drive careful.” I know it should be, drive carefully, but I like the casual informality the grammatical irregularity creates—be careful. Still, I wonder if as they are driving home, they ever think to themselves, “I could recklessly run that yellow light …
Babies are so stupid they poop in their pants. They don’t even try to make it to a toilet, they just sit there and poop themselves. Then they cry that they pooped themselves and expect an adult to clean them up. If you were to release 60,000 babies into a corn field, you could come …
Who, what, when, where, and why? Wine, whiskey, www, Wally, and whiskey. There’s one more. Wait. That’s it, wait! Wait for way more whiskey! I stand corrected. What are you looking at? Nose face! FYI, lesbians hate it when you smell their faces. You know, because of reasons. —DG.
Inside Doug's Head 