Inside Doug's Head

For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.

A few weeks ago on our anniversary, my wife and I decided to head to South Manhattan and go for a walk together. We took the 1-train all the way to where it begins and ends at South Ferry.

Map picture


We started our excursion from Battery Park.


We saw a boatload of immigrants arriving from Staten Island. They were fleeing political tyranny and religious persecution, seeking a better life in Manhattan.


From here, the Statue of Liberty looks very small. Can you see it?


Reconstruction at 1 World Trade Center.


Broadway and Beaver

There is a sign showing the way to find Beaver on Broadway. What should you expect to find at the corner of Broadway and Beaver? You have to take a left on Broadway after you come out of Beaver.

SDC10783 Stitch

New York Fine dining. If it doesn’t come wrapped in paper or on a stick, it isn’t worth eating.

SouvenirsAs a memento of your visit, get your authentic New York City souvenirs. Imported from China via Canada, repackaged in America, and sold to Japanese tourists.






Same crap, different pile.

Water Fountain

All this water makes me want to pee. Sorry, that was rude. I mean it makes me want to expel some urine.






HeadacheI have had it up to here with all of these annoying tourists.

I have a headache this big.

Honestly, I was this close to punching Justin Bieber right in his pie hole.




This man hates green hats.This guy really hates green hats. If he finds out that you are wearing one, he will beat you about the head and neck with the white stick he carries. I wonder who made the sign for him. I bet it was supposed to say something else, like I need help. Please call an ambulance, and his friends thought Is anyone wearing green hats? was way more poignant.


AIDSThey take public safety very seriously around here. If you have AIDS, you must use the designated pathways so that you don’t contaminate anyone else.

Don’t be fooled by the sign. It says Plaza, but it’s more like a floor with a grate in it so the bodies can sluice through.


We continued walking until we came upon this sign near a construction site.

How do they know?

There are signs like this one all over the place. How do they always know where I am? It is proof the government is spying on me.

We proceeded North on Lafayette Street because we supposed there had to be an A-train station somewhere close by. We should have thought our route all the way through, because…


…we inadvertently ended up on Canal Street. Ugh. There are crowds of ugly pokey people gawking everywhere. They are all milling about trying to get a discount on a genuine Vouis Luitton handbag from the reputable street merchants who sell them out of large canvas sacks sitting on the sidewalk. Just like at Sears.

It wouldn’t be so bad trying to get through here, except there are always dumbasses in front of me who try to walk and text at the same time. They frequently come to a dead stop while they try to figure out how to spell ‘the’, and if I were to give them a much deserved smack in the back of the head, I would be the bad guy.


They must sell Rat McNuggets on fried rice covered with some sort of MSG-ladened sauce.

What does Ronald McDonald look like in Chinese culture? Does he come across as the same creepy pedophile clown that he does in the US? He thinks he is so cool.



Canal Rubber. Rubber for your canals.

Yep, Canal Rubber. Foam rubber cut to size. However, if you go in and ask for a rubber canal, they look at you funny. It’s not my fault they chose an unfortunate company name. Why so sensitive?

What is foam rubber, anyway? I know about foam, and I have seen rubber a few times before, but isn’t foam rubber that stuff that they used to make cheap mattresses out of, that was banned from being sold years ago because it gives off poisonous fumes when it catches fire?


I am waiting at a corner to cross the street, when this thing walks by. Now, don’t go getting the wrong idea.


She looks like she is twelve years old, but the cigarette she is smoking makes her appear at least fifteen. She is pretending to be all trendy and cool, aloof and mysterious, but instead looks gross and weird. I am not trying to look up her skirt, I just don’t want to get punched in the face for taking her picture.

Finally, I see the way out of the Canal Street madness. The tunnel at the end of the light.


We have one more stop to make on the way back home. I have to get some ‘medical’ supplies.


This is the most spectacular store. It is on Broadway, near W 207th St.

They sell my two of my three favorite things: wine and liquor.


It is a very large place, so it is difficult to capture its grandeur on camera.
PJ-inside1 PJ-inside2

Who are these people and what are they doing in my living room?

Wine on the left, hard stuff on the right. Other than that, I haven’t been able to decipher the reasoning behind the layout. There are $5 bottles of white wine sitting on a shelf right next to the $300 bottles of red. They have colors! Do you have something in a fine beige, or a plaid perhaps?


The A-train that we took to get to W 207th St. does not go close enough to where we live, so we walked East down to 10th Avenue to catch the 1-train.

Here is a view of the tracks looking North.



OneTrainLookingSouthAnd, here is a view of the tracks looking South.








An East view of 207th St. and the University Heights Bridge that crosses the Harlem River into the Bronx.







The view of the skyline from the train platform. What is that building over there? The one with the roof that looks like a boob.







Speaking of boobs. Here is a fine example of walking and texting, as if anyone has never seen this behavior before.






Satellite dishes face South

Remember, children, if you ever get lost in the city, satellite dishes generally face South.

My feet were tired by the time I got home. It is a good thing that I picked up my medicine while I was out.




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