As a practical matter, I have decided to allow my facial hair to wildly overgrow, completely covering the hole that is my mouth. It will serve the same function for me as baleen does for a whale. Yes, just as a whale uses its baleen to filter trapped krill from the ocean water, I will use my overgrown moustache to filter gnats and moths from the park air. When I get hungry, I can lick the proteins from my hairs, and like ramen in a cup, I will have an instant meal. I might even incorporate some sort of sticky poisonous wax to improve the killing power of my moustache.
Wait, though. Not certain, but I am pretty sure I won’t enjoy eating gnats and moths. I should rethink this plan of mine; it seemed like a good idea at the time.
—DG.
Inside Doug's Head 