Inside Doug's Head

It is never too late to become wise.

Apparently, there’s a remake of the 1964 Disney classic underway, starring Idris Elba as Mary Poppins, and Tilda Swinton as Mr. Banks. There’s no word on who will be playing Bert. Dave Chappelle, maybe? The songs will be completely different, too: My fist will make the medicine go down, and Clean up your room, or I’ll beat you with a sack of potatoes. A few of my favorite things include going to the bathroom, being right all the time, and 4am tacos.

Meanwhile, Clifford, the Big Red Dog will be played by a small brown dog named, Lucy.

—DG

My traveler whiskey in a to-go cup

It’s a thing here. Whiskey in a plastic ramekin, with a lid, so you don’t spill it on the way back to your hotel. The clever inventions of modern society. Thanks, COVID, for creating solutions to problems we never knew we had.

—DG

It’s like $11 a gallon at Smart and Final, and it will power your Trotsky inspired hand cast tractor for a month. Or, one of me for an evening. Don’t invite me to your birthday party unless you’re serious about calling the cops when things get out of hand. My license plate number is 911, because those buildings deserved better.

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If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge an invite to an awkward social gathering.

“So, what do you do?” “Did your parents have any children that lived?” “Which way do you travel to get to work?”

“The 19th? I’m sorry, I just can’t make it that day. I’d like to, but I just can’t. Sorry, I just can’t.”

It’s easier than it feels.

—DG