Have you ever woken up in the morning and asked yourself, What the hell happened to my TV? It’s all smashed, and the sound bar has violated it from front to back.
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Have you ever woken up in the morning and asked yourself, What the hell happened to my TV? It’s all smashed, and the sound bar has violated it from front to back.
Continue readingThe upside of my daughter being away on vacation is that I can move the stool that she uses to shit in the toilet tank:
Continue readingLet’s face it, movie and television dramas set in a workplace environment suffer from problems of believability. Legal dramas have lawyers who run around court rooms and law libraries, frenetically pursuing investigations for righteous reasons, and fornicating with their clients—lots and lots of fornication. Police dramas have detectives running around town chasing criminals for serious crimes that they solve in 24 hours, and screwing their partners—lots and lots of screwing. Medical dramas have doctors, residents, and interns running around hospitals discovering cures for children with cancer and rare diseases, and banging their patients’ moms—lots and lots of mom banging. In dramas with evil advertising executives, their aspirant assistants sit around their living room thinking of ideas to win over the singular big client, with post-it notes—lots and lots of post-it notes.
Continue readingSince I am not very smart, I have a simple philosophy about telling jokes. Jokes should never be explained. Jokes are either funny, like they are intended to be, or they are not. If someone doesn’t laugh at your joke, it’s either because the joke isn’t funny, or they don’t get it. No amount of explaining will turn a joke that isn’t funny into one that is worthy of laughter; and, if someone doesn’t get the joke, they probably never will: something fundamental is missing, and explaining that a 17th century Dutch farmer is confusable with a framer of the same geographical time period due to metathesis—the interchanging of a vowel with a consonant—well, if you have to go that far, the joke is never going to be funny. Right, Dennis Miller?
Continue readingI went to BevMo today to pick up supplies for the J4 weekend. For some reason, the guy who takes my money, while eyeing my selection of whiskeys, asked me if I needed a case of water. Since I take my whiskey neat, the only neat thing about me, I politely declined. Then he asked me if I wanted a coffee, for the road. I again declined, because it was after 6pm and I wasn’t traveling very far. Reflecting internally as I was walking out the door, I was feeling a little judged. Hey, he’s the guy selling the stuff, he should be grateful I like to buy in volume.
When I go to the potato store, they just say, “Thanks. Have a nice day.” They never look at me and say, “That’s a lot of carbohydrates… Do you want some protein to go with that? No? You should probably put some potatoes back.”
Goddammit Greg! I told you not to take a part time job at BevMo!
—DG.
Inside Doug's Head 