Inside Doug's Head

In the world of movies, they say it is better to show, don’t tell. Show that there’s a gun in the kitchen drawer, and you automatically know that, later on, someone will get a bullet to the face. Show a turkey in the oven, and you know Thanksgiving is going to feature a dry bird. Show a woman puking into a garbage can first thing in the morning; you know she is pregnant with Satan’s offspring. No need for words. Show, don’t tell.

Personally, I prefer a tell, and don’t show approach It’s much less work for the imagination muscle. “Hey, there’s a gun in that drawer over there, and later tonight, when you try to rape me, I will shoot you in the groin. You won’t die right away, and after several hours of surgery, they’ll be able to save one of your testicles. The DNA they happen to collect will tie you to more unsolved rape cases than Genghis Khan has red headed step children, and you will be publicly executed for your crimes. Instead of clemency, at the moment of your death the Governor will pull your pants down, exposing the reason for your sadness for everyone to see. Hush, now. It’ll be fine. Plus, the breeze will feel nice.”

Stories are just better with all of the details exposed right at the beginning. Nobody has to do any thinking and inferencing, or thinking and feeling, at all. Especially the writers. Writers are sad idiots who are disappointments to their families. Like spellcheck is for developers. We thought you were going to do something great with the life we gave you, Greg. So sad! So disappointing.

You should start off with a long title/credit scene coupled with 30 pages of narration explaining the backstory. The conflict between the emperor, his cousin, and the mentally slow but manipulative uncle. Surprise us by telling us how it will all end. It can only end in civil war, and the uncle will lose everything.

The formula leaves a lot of room for random acts of filler between the beginning and the predictable ending. There could be an ad or product placement for hair gel, or moisturizer. Surprise! You weren’t expecting that were you, smart guy!

Narrate the end, too. Just in case people were on their phones and were not paying attention. The moral of the story is you are likely to fail, so never try. It’s a valuable Hollywood lesson that everyone should learnify (filmed in Vancouver to save money).

Don’t go into the woods without a lumberjack. There could be aliens in there, with high energy plasma rifles, or worse, liberals with ideas on how to improve society. Very scary, indeed.

—DG