Maybe I am stupid. Okay, I am definitely stupid, never claimed to be otherwise. I thought the reason we drank a Bloody Mary after a night of hard drinking was to help us sober up.
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Maybe I am stupid. Okay, I am definitely stupid, never claimed to be otherwise. I thought the reason we drank a Bloody Mary after a night of hard drinking was to help us sober up.
Continue readingPlease, use caution and think of the children. My children. Excuse me while I run over yours. I have places to be, and your children are homely. Ugly. Grotesque. I wrapped bacon around it and the dog still won’t play with it.
Continue readingRubber gloves are not just about clean toilets, dishes, hot water, and caustic oven cleaners. They are also great for vulgar crimes and getting away with murder. It’s about fingers in latex, and decided choices before the police arrive. It was an accident! He slipped and fell on the knife… twice.
Continue readingAs I sat waiting for my flight, a voice over the PA system regularly reminded me that smoking is not permitted in the airport. Considering that smoking in airports was banned in 1976, 47 years ago, it seems like an awfully long time to keep reminding people of something that has become the expected behavior. Perhaps they could advise people of other forbidden activities, ones that are maybe not so obvious.
Continue readingI must be afraid of the dark, because I don’t like to sleep at night. I have recurring nightmares where I am being chased by weird, homely children with plastic scissors, and I can’t run fast enough to get away. The experts say that we need eleven hours of sleep each night, and thirteen hours of physical activity during the day, but that life formula doesn’t leave me much time for drinking. On a good night, I might sleep four hours, but it’s not unusual for me to get no sleep. It’s no wonder I am always so cranky.
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Inside Doug's Head 