As I sat waiting for my flight, a voice over the PA system regularly reminded me that smoking is not permitted in the airport. Considering that smoking in airports was banned in 1976, 47 years ago, it seems like an awfully long time to keep reminding people of something that has become the expected behavior. Perhaps they could advise people of other forbidden activities, ones that are maybe not so obvious.
Continue readingI must be afraid of the dark, because I don’t like to sleep at night. I have recurring nightmares where I am being chased by weird, homely children with plastic scissors, and I can’t run fast enough to get away. The experts say that we need eleven hours of sleep each night, and thirteen hours of physical activity during the day, but that life formula doesn’t leave me much time for drinking. On a good night, I might sleep four hours, but it’s not unusual for me to get no sleep. It’s no wonder I am always so cranky.
Continue readingThe reason there are no unicorns today is because when Al Gore built the ark to house the animals two by two to save them from global warming sea level rise, he didn’t notice they were both trans unicorns. One was a horse who identified as a unicorn, and the other was a zebra wearing unicorn makeup. Their uni-horns were plastic, although one of them was saving up to pay for the surgery to make it permanent.
Continue readingA fully loaded B-24 Liberator bomber dropping 8,000 pounds of bombs over enemy territory. My poop went down and I went up in reaction to Newton’s turd law of motion. You stunk my battleship!
Continue readingWhen I was in high school, I had an English teacher named, Joyce, first name, Mrs. Every day for the 50 minute duration of class, she would drone on and on about the dark societies of Dostoevsky, Saljinizin, Orwell, and that guy who died in the Nazi concentration camps for saying everyone was stupid, Dietrich “Detroit” Bonhoeffer.
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