Inside Doug's Head

Sleep

Doug Godsoe

October 26, 2023

I must be afraid of the dark, because I don’t like to sleep at night. I have recurring nightmares where I am being chased by weird, homely children with plastic scissors, and I can’t run fast enough to get away. The experts say that we need eleven hours of sleep each night, and thirteen hours of physical activity during the day, but that life formula doesn’t leave me much time for drinking. On a good night, I might sleep four hours, but it’s not unusual for me to get no sleep. It’s no wonder I am always so cranky.

Unicorns

Doug Godsoe

no comments

October 24, 2023

The reason there are no unicorns today is because when Al Gore built the ark to house the animals two by two to save them from global warming sea level rise, he didn’t notice they were both trans unicorns. One was a horse who identified as a unicorn, and the other was a zebra wearing unicorn makeup. Their uni-horns were plastic, although one of them was saving up to pay for the surgery to make it permanent.

Losing Weight

Doug Godsoe

4 comments

October 22, 2023

A fully loaded B-24 Liberator bomber dropping 8,000 pounds of bombs over enemy territory. My poop went down and I went up in reaction to Newton’s turd law of motion. You stunk my battleship!

Dostoevsky

Doug Godsoe

2 comments

October 20, 2023

When I was in high school, I had an English teacher named, Joyce, first name, Mrs. Every day for the 50 minute duration of class, she would drone on and on about the dark societies of Dostoevsky, Saljinizin, Orwell, and that guy who died in the Nazi concentration camps for saying everyone was stupid, Dietrich “Detroit” Bonhoeffer.

Whiskey Warning

Doug Godsoe

5 comments

October 19, 2023

The government warning label on the back of a bottle of whiskey is problematic. (1) Pregnant women should not drink alcoholic beverages because of the risk of birth defects, but whiskey was there when they got pregnant. Plus, I am not a woman, nor will I ever be a woman, so the warning is irrelevant to me. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems. Drive a car OR operate machinery, but not AND, as in both at the same time. So, I’m perfectly fine driving my car, and concurrently operating this electric arc furnace full of molten iron, while I’m drinking to ignore my generic health problems.