Inside Doug's Head

I am not a number, I am… What's that stuff they make glue out of? I'm that. Forever swirling, forwards and upwards, but always sticky. Sometimes, a little sad.

Cryptocurrency and the collapse of FTX are all over the news lately. It would be stupid of me to not to try to cash in on the exploding non-fungible token market. The NFT market is metaphorically exploding; the tokens are not literally exploding, and they aren’t even literally tokens. They are just numbers, and numbers by themselves are morally unbiased and generally not amusing, notwithstanding the comical outliers of 69 and 420 that are popular among the elite crowd of big brains. Not me, though. Personally, I find all numbers equally defined on the number line. Am I being negative, or am I left of zero?

In 2011, I spent a few months mining Bitcoin and managed to make a tidy profit of $0.25 for my efforts, but I am not considering investing real spendable US dollars in a market that is powered by a random number generator backed by the hollow promises of paid celebrity endorsements. No, today I am going to do something completely different. Something that has never been done before.

Starting with the idea that if I had $10,000 I would be a millionaire, combined with the philosophy that for every season turn-turn-turn, something deeply meaningful, the conclusion is obvious: I shall create my own NFT called IDH-coin. Nobody has ever thought of that! Creating money out of thin air! It’s genius level idiocy! Crazy like a bag of hammers or a collection of unpaired socks. Or mating geese hanging out at the end of the runways at an airport. That never ends poorly.

Here’s how it will work: I’ll define the currency and set its initial price (price, not value). Then, after the launch purchasing frenzy subsides, the future moment-by-moment price will be determined by, I don’t know, something like the net trading demand divided by the number of chicken wings in my freezer, plus a number that will be determined by a happiness poll conducted in the happiest place on Earth: Germany. This seemingly arbitrary pricing formula was chosen to ensure that my primary responsibility is to maintain a non-zero supply of chicken wings on hand (it will appear as a line item in the ledger as CWOH); hence, keeping the IDH-coin price from going to infinity. That would be reckless of me.

The IDH-coin opening price will be $1000 USD. Full disclosure, I own 100,000 of them, so, yeah I’m a billionaire. Trying to stay humble, but don’t worry, I will only donate money to those militant organizations that openly embrace violence as a cudgel for change. Leave a comment correcting me if you really want to, but Math is the joke.

Tomorrow, the price might go up. I only have a dozen or so wings in the freezer, and Friday is fast approaching. Friday. Beer. Wings. Good future for IDH-coin. Maybe I’ll send some wings to Germany. Who knows? So, give me your money (have your pay direct deposited for a small handling fee) and invest in the future. Oh, and in case you were wondering about the crypto aspect of the coin: all unaudited financial reports will be encrypted with a symmetric 4096-bit key that changes every three days. The key will not be shared, to guarantee that your money is as safe as I say it is. Confidence is critical to your success, and I know you want both of us to be successful. Don’t undermine your success with knowledge. Unless you’re Bill Gates, and it’s easier earning massive profits from “predicting” a pandemic.

Yay! I’m a billionaire. I can’t wait to tell my banker! I know he’ll be happy for me. 103 x 105 = 108. Yeah, it’s a billion-ish. Dos comas, no tres comas. Also, If a celebrity knew about this opportunity and I paid them a bag of real money, they would encourage you to give me yours. So IDH-coin is totally endorsed by that guy who was in that thing. You know the guy, unless you’re old and out of touch. Yah! Catchphrase.

—DG.

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